2005-01-13
Wishes
It's going to be a stressful day, I guess. Client meetings keep changing and people keep getting more and more wound up and that never bodes well for the lady at the bottem of the chain.
Plus, it was so cold today as I was riding in that I almost started crying. People who see me as some tough physical chick should back the fuck off. I am tough in the gym and tough in the pool. I am a fucking cry-baby in most situations that involve the heavy lifting of moving boxes or the freezing of any body part that is forced to do something when it would rather be smoothly moving from the clutch pedal to the gas.
It's 10 am and my legs are still defrosting.
The desert is cold in the winter and all my peeps on the coasts and in the North really should take me seriously. It was below freezing with a wind at my face and things are just harder when it's cold.
But back to the facts, Jack.
So I'm riding this moring and my thighs are screeching at me and the cars are trying to intimidate me and all I can do is think about this situation that I'm in and I can't help but think of it vitriolically. I am paying and paying and paying for something that I didn't even know I was doing wrong. I am responsible and trust-worthy and here I am working so hard to understand absolutely everything.
I don't get why I keep falling spuarly on my fat ass.
Is it because I'm not perfect? Maybe I am getting "punished" because I am not working at my full potential. But seriously, who is?
Is it because there are more lessons that I need to learn? Frankly, I'm a little sick of the school of life and wuite ready for summer vacation, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Is it just something that I carry with me - maybe from a past life or a ghost sitting on my shoulder? Maybe I fall over and over because of some Karma that is playing out. I find that both hard to believe and an easy way to move the blame from myself to some mystical forces.
I guess that right now, all I came up with is that thee is no deeper meaning in all of htis. Basically, my life is more challangeing than a lot of other lives out there because I am capable of having pure thankfulness and a clean understanding of what is gift and what is challange.
There are two things that I want more than I have ever wanted anything in my life:
1. I want to have this situation be resolved with the best possible outcome. I've worked as hard as I can to look at this from every angle and it's not right. It shouldn't come down on me. I'll cop to every part of it that is mine but I won't take th pieces of it that are not mine and I hope to God that those pieces can be strong enough to let me off with a serious Lesson Learned.
2. I want to get serious with my crush. I adore him, I can't help it. He's everything I've always wanted and he doesn't even know it. He is so kind to me and so easy to be around and I LOVE IT when I make him laugh - it lights me up inside.
That's all I want and in this life, these are not such big things to want. They are simple, simple wishes and the Universe, or God, or whatever you want to call a higher power can grant these things to a wonderful little Sarah and know that I'll understand how clean and pure the granting of my wishes is.
Just please, please give me these two things in my otherwise ordinary life.
arizonasarah at 9:58 a.m.