I Need My Blankey

There is a Giant Client coming in tomorrow. This means that I will have to ride my bike in a suit.
It's not as cute or as fun as it sounds like it might be. you know, you're thinking all, "How French, how Euro, how utterly swell to see a young, urban, professional on her bike in the freezing morning. Clearly on her way to work becuase she is so efficiently decked in black hoodie and tights and helmet and you KNOW that there are high heels in that backpack.
Well, it still sucks, no matter how I try to make it feel French or to make it feel like urban and crap.
1. I've never been to Europe. Truthfully, my trips always wind up cancelled. Without going into detail, I've had 3 cross-continent trips cancelled due to war and/or disease. EUROPE. Fine, I won't go. Whatever.
2. I hate cities. If I had to live in a place where there was no parking and where there is a crush of people at any given bar or intersection, I owuld slit my fucking wrists in under 20.8 seconds, I promise. Fuck, just thinking about Chicago makes me shiver, and NOT because it's January there and there is probably some arctic blast of frozen air. Just because it's too many people and too many places and too many streetlights.
Furthermore, I am tired of negative forces coming down on me. I swear to Jesus, one of my most beloved friends is driving me bonkers. She referenced my crush last night like, "You're getting attached." Flatly and as if that was either a surprise or a bad thing. It's neither.
Ummmm, yes, a little, and frankly, I better be at this point, or there is clearly no reason for us to ever see each other, ever.
"Well, I'd dump his sorry ass."
I let it slide. What can I say that wouldn't hurt in ways that I don't like to hurt people? I'm in a grown-up relationship. We live on opposite sides of town and we are both building career momentum. I see him I see him. I trust that our agreement regarding our relationship stands firm. I take responsibility for some of the things with which I am unhappy. I think that dumping him is a fairly immature option when it's pout next to... I don't know... talking to him about where I want to go and why these destinations have changed for me from when I first started hanging out with him? That really seems like the better choice over "Dumping his ass." He's really great and a GROWN UP, at least as much as I would want around me and I can talk to him when I need to. Sure, it may not work out but dammit this slow and steady thing has been awesome for me.
Let it go.
Why does she always have to make me feel like I am doing something lame?
I'm 30.
I don't want to dress slutty anymore. I'm not going to puddle up like some of those stupid clones on the Bachelor. It's not where I am at all anymore and for two years, it hasn't been and my guess is that it's not really where I'm headed.
I'm sick of being questioned about the state of healthcare benefits in the USA. Dude, if anyone in my circle of friends knows more about benfits and cost-controlling them than I do, I need to track that person down and do some fucking hiring because seriously?
I know more.
I'm frustrated, obviously, and feeling snitty. But the truth is that I don't know how to grow away from people. I feel like when I bring things up, there is always a resultant explosion where I am the one who is left doubting my capabilities and experience.
I am going to let it lie still. I'm not calling as much and I'm not sharing as much - I just want to see what happens... if I can be given the credit that I deserve for the choices that I make.

arizonasarah at 2:24 p.m.

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