It's do or die time for me. I am handing off most of the control regarding the cruddy things that I've been dealing with lately. The law and I are going to meet, the management and I are going to meet, the Crush and I are going to meet and in every, single situation I just named, I really can't do anything more. I've totally prepared everything that I needed and now I have to sit back (!) and wait for all of it to bake.

Since the mugging, I haven't been 100% feeling fine. I am really nervous and I am not sleeping. I'm not surprised that I'm not sleeping - well, I was surprised that it was still going on last night. I wanted to go to bed but I knew I'd just lie there. When I finally did go to bed, I laid there and every thought that I have ever had started spinning around in my head and wanting me to respond to it emotionally or logically.
To make matters worse, I could have sworn that I heard footsteps outside my back window. I've been sleeping with the hammer in my right hand, but I am so wracked at night that I can't not play with it. I can't leave it lying on the bed, because if someone broke in, they could get to it before I do and then a bad situation would become dramatically worse. I can't hold onto it because I keep playing with it. I practice holds and play out scenarios and tell myself that I am preparing well for any disturbance. It's a catch-22 for me and I haven't found my way out of it yet. Sleeping might help with that but I am not sure how to find my way there, either.
Not sleeping is misery.
My blood pressure is high and I feel like my peripheral vision is constantly about to fail. I am not really hungrey and when I eat, I get full too fast - any normally small amount of food feels like a mountain. I have a red nose and yellow circles under my eyes and a big zit is starting on my chin. I just feel greasy and actually, I am kind of greasy. It's like my body is working SO HARD to function and to get through each hour because it thinks it is going to get some shut-down rest but my mind, which unfortunately controls my body, is cracking a whip that reaches me in every neuron and crevice.
It's been four consecutive nights where I have gotten a maximum of 4 hours of sleep. I hurt. I hurt almost to the point where I am kind of crying when I try to talk and to the point where I over-hear myself typing, swallowing, sniffling. Everything around me is too bright and too loud because I am so depleted from having no restoration.
I feel like I have to pee all the time.
And i want to sleep.
I want to get in bed at 9 and wake up at 5:30, lie there until 6:15 while I play with the cats and daydream a little. But even typing that makes me have a ripple of the stuff that keeps me awake all night. It's like someone took a sharpened pencil and very quickly drew a line straight down my naked back. It hurts but not enough to make me draw away.
I think my longest amount of time without significant sleep is about 6 days. I know this is going to break sometime, I KNOW that. But I also know that it hasn't broken yet and there is always the chance that it won't break and that I'll set a new record. What scares me is what might happen during that time when I am not refreshed and restored. Any little turn is a million times more dangerous because I won't be able to see things as they come and because of that, everything I do is riskier. Riding my bike is more dangerous, as is cooking, and social interaction, and doing work - everything. Everything is scarier in this state of separating self. My body and my mind are not working together but are separating right now and I hate it and all I need is one night of glorious and safe, oh please let it be safe, sleep.

arizonasarah at 1:06 p.m.

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