2005-02-10
Luck
It cannot be good when your attorney says to you, "Wow, you have really bad luck."
I started crying immediately and I think he felt bad. He had asked me if I was with anyone on the night in question and I replied, "Yes, I was with the man I was dating, who recently cheated on me." At least my attorney followed up the bad luck comment with one about the dude being an asshole.
I can't discuss details right now and it's making my head hurt. Basically, I'll be writing a letter today and sending it through my attorney's office. I wish I could find a way to bring up the LEEP surgery and the mugging.
No, dude, I have not had a run of good luck.
And work.
Jesus, I want to go back to school. It's all I think about lately.
I found out yesterday that I am going to be forced into a position that may not be all that great for me. It's kind of an auditing position. The truth is that I am so tired of new positions and I am so burned out and broke and I REALLY need to be offered a raise today because frankly, my head is pounding and my fingers hurt from typing and every time I pick up a project, I know that I'm going to be told that I'm not doing it correctly and that I should have done this or done that. I want to be in a place where people say, "Yo, this is so close. Next time, hit it like this, " and then the next time, when I hit it, they say, "I like that."
There's no room for me in some ways. I see where the room is but the people I work for don't see things the way I do. The thing is, I am right in line with the corporate message. What I don't feel like I get is that departmental support that I need to keep moving with the corporate message.
I really love working here because it is an honest place and has a family vibe but...
my head hurts so much every day and when you go home and your head hurts like mine does but you still can't afford to have cable TV, or to go on a vacation you kind of get down on yourself.
But I'm not here to bitch about work.
I'm here to examine my life next to itself.
If I hold my life up and measure it against all of the fortune and protection and expectation into which I was born, I am failing in all areas. I was born to beautiful people. My parents were exceptional and I don't work out very much, I eat like crap, and I don't think I dress myself very well.
I was born to educated people who really worked to either stay the course or to be true to the inner voice. I do neither. I half-ass through staying a course that I was told about from my inner voce and I feel like I am running on a rocky shoreline 97% of the time. I could fall at any minute and I was not born to people who fall, twisting ankles and scraping hands and breaking ribs. I should have been able to find a nice, grassy path to wander and I made choices that put me on this stupid shoreline and people, I AM SICK OF THE BEACH.
My parents were desperately innocent in their love. I broke that piece of me on Steve Rakers about 5 years ago and I hate the fact that I'll probably never fall in love like that again. He and I had this desperation to our love and the desperation had an innocence; it even had its own smell that I can catch once in awhile. I'm sad that I won't have that for someone who does become my partner and who does have babies with me and a little house and nightlights. That kind of love is kind of for one person, I think. It's so naive in that you are holding this person's hand and you have no idea where you're taking him and he is doing the same thing with you but my god, you are welded together! You couldn't let go even if you wanted to. It took a long time to let go of each other and I doubt very much that either of us has fully moved on. We will but we haven't yet.
And I wish I still had that for someone, you know?
I do, I wish I still had that dumb desperate and out-of-breath fear that not being with him will mean that I am nothing.
I know better now and that's a good thing... but is it?
Is it a good thing to not have huge, passionate, devestating love?
I don't know. I guess in some ways it is. The Namoli Year was one of the best of my life and I was actually happy, which... for me is a lot. I tend to run a little more on the crying side than on the happy-go-lucky side.
That wasn't a big passion, it was just a big something that made me feel stable and healthy.
Ack.
I don't know.
Maybe there's hope for me. Maybe I can turn this piece of shit for luck in life around. I need a little help though, a couple of breaks here and there and a big dollop of patience, but this cruddy shoreline has got to end somewhere.
I am praying for it to end in a grassy lot, with a little house and a baby and a law degree and a man who loves me desperately the way a grown up loves someone passionatly and fully.
That's what I expect from myself. Nothing less and nothing more.
arizonasarah at 7:49 a.m.