Always Incorrect

I fucking hate my job. I'm miserable and I'm not really trying to hide it anymore. I have a woman who chewed me out with condesencion and snitty, control-freak actions earlier this morning over something trivial and stupid. I work with markets and quotes and if a vendor supplies me with a quote that is a good option and is within the scope of my RFP, I'm going to look at it with interest.
I just got snitted at for the contents of one such quote.
I didn't ask the vendor to supply that type of option.
I didn't tell it not to, either.
I'm so sick of getting snitted at that I almost explode every time it happens.
I'm so sick of getting chewed out for shit I can't control and for doing one thing when I should have done another but the last time I did it, I did the other and that was wrong, too. It's never right, it's never correct and further more it's my fault that it's never correct and I have a big, fat problem with that.
I can't read minds and I won't take responsibility for my failings as a psychic. I do the fucking best that I can with the KSAs that I have and I'm so tired of feeling picked on after being the only one to cheer the team on, after being the only one to jump in when there's a shortage, the only one to try to manage my workload... I'm sick of it all.
It's one thing to be burned out and to feel bored and restless.
It's another to feel picked on and put down. These feelings make me really resistant to almost everything that I'm asked to do. It's like being a teenager and rebelling. I have no access to choices and so I start to feel trapped. Again, there's a good feeling of trapped - you're bored, you're stuck, you're not doing anything interesting; and then there's another feeling of trapped. The current feeling is of the second variety - I have a fear reaction kick in and my stress level sky-rockets because I know that I am about to get chewed out for something I thought I was doing correctly since I had been chewed out about it for doing it a different way in the past.
I guess I give up a little.
There's a lot going on in life right now, and I need to deal with those things to get them out of my way but I can't stay miserable like this. Work is a big chunk of your life and this particular chunk is making me sick - literally.
Once I get clear of some of the life stuff, I'm going to have a big re-evaluation session with myself and figure out what to do.

arizonasarah at 10:46 a.m.

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