2005-06-16
How's the View?
Some days are simply not that great. When asked any question, I can only stutter out an answer. When looking in the mirror, I see only lines and dark circles.
Days like this are so blank that they don't even frustrate me anymore. I can sit, quietly listening to the noises around me - the typing, Faith's phone ringing, the little "dee doo" noise that my machine makes when a new email is delivered. But I kind of don't register any of it.
Or maybe I register all of it, where on a different, more grounded day, I would not hear every little detail of my surroundings.
I'm fully present in my own, Sarah World but there is a filter that allows in just a little too much. Thickening up the filter could be disastrous though, as when I am in full-on Hermit mode, nothing gets through.
If I could slip away into an alternate, physical universe for just a few moments and be totally behind my screen, I might be able to equalize the air pressure, inside versus outside.
As it is, I feel like the internal air pressure is not made up of the same gasses and weights as the external air.
Maybe my psyche is secretly an astronaut and sometimes the tube connecting my emotions to the Mothership gets a kink, or gets twisted when I try to manuever around a piece of space rubble.
Maybe there's something about me that's missing. Like, do I not get enough zinc in my diet and that little mineral is throwing off all of everything else?
Christ, that hypothesis is overwhelming. Can you imagine? What you're missine could be anything.
"Well Sarah, we've been able to determine that the keloid you had removed your senior year in high school actually contained a small but unique and crucial string of your DNA, the strand responsible for allowing you to not be such a fucking overly-sensitive tweaker. There are a couple of therapies we'd like to try, starting with a keloid implant. Now, we can schedule this as soon as we find a suitible keloid doner but in the meantime, hang tight and take this Zoloft. We're gonna getcha fixed."
Keloids are some creepy growth. Mine was on my thigh and it was pretty gross, especially after I went at it with some scissors. It just kept growing back, redder and weirder than ever. Finally I got it removed and now I have a scar.
I wish I'd kept the growth, in a little vial. It would be all gooey and intestine-colored by now. I admire people who do that kind of stuff and I imagine that someday I might have a room full of medical oddities.
They fascinate me. I'd love to go to the Mutter Museum. I don't know - nature is so intensely perfect in it's composition that when it does get confused, it gets pretty lost.
Every everything has a code that tells it how to bloom and eat and die. It blows my mind that every, single hair on my body was placed there in a specific pattern and in the beginning, for a specific reason. My toes were programmed to be well-shaped if a little stubby. Grace's whiskers were deigned to be whiskers by what?
God?
A list of dieties?
No.
Those things are human creations for the intangible aspects that we don't understand. We have to assign human characteristics to divinity because it's too much to expect that we could leave well-enough alone and allow the intangible to be just that... another level, or another layer, or perhaps nothing but an imagined fate.
Given that humanity ultimately made the assignments as to the responsibilities and decriptions of various gods, what higher power is there?
None. We are higher power. There is the same spark of nature in all people as there is in the dirt of my yard and that dirt has the same spark as the person on the Internet who makes me want to take up my protective baseball bat and bash the fuck out of my computer.
It's all the same; we share everything in that everything in the universe comes from some spark; maybe the spark of divinity, maybe the spark of electricity meeting gravity.... it's probably not for anyone to really know.
I don't expect to get all the answers when I die. I don't expect to be greeted by St. Peter and ushered into a tribunal review of my time on earth as Sarah Wides. I also don't expect to get burned or buried and cease.
The intangible spark I have is connected to everything that is extant.
There's nothing I can do to break the connection, and not that I'd want to.
I just....
I don't think that nature or god or my parents failed me but I do think that seeing this much is really hard some days and while I am thankful that I am not a medical oddity, I wish that I knew how to better deal with my psychic oddities.
I wish there was someone around who could come up to the roof and see this dream of a life the way I do, even for a little bit.
The view is spectacular.
arizonasarah at 10:26 a.m.