An Open Letter to Yahoo Horoscopes

My Yahoo Horoscope recommended that I stick to myself today in order to avoid unnecessary confrontation during which I might "play the heavy".

Dear Yahoo Horoscope,

I am not sure to whom you think you've been speaking but I need to point out to you that I AM the heavy, I don't "play" the heavy.
I am porky, loud, red-faced, limp-haired, and uninterested in smiles.
I quoted Arizona law to my landlord, who up until three days ago, was a buddy of mine.
I am heavy-hearted and unlikable. There's basically nothing that you can do to make me happy, so stop trying. I'm past crying, past listening, past believing, and past caring what you tell me each morning. Do you seriously need to point out to me that I might come off as the "heavy" today?
I'm not the heavy - I'm the 1 Ton Girl with the Heart of Lead, Yahoo Horoscopes and you can't change that. I don't appreciate you pointing it out, either. Just in case you need a little clarification, you know, so that you can avoid pointing out the obvious in the so-called-future, I'm going to give you a few things that you should consider givens, okay?

List of Things I Can't Stand:
1. Acne. Not that I have it right now because I don't but if I did, it would be the last straw.

2. People who are kidding themselves in believing that their rising property values indicate a positive change in the state of the 'hood. They don't. My dog is the least of your troubles, Shooter. Oh no wait!
Shooter is the name of the guy who was in your driveway last night, outside my window? When my dog started barking? Yeah! That guy! Man, I hate him, too. Well, I'm glad we can agree on something! Oh, and that yippy little dog over on your property? Shut it up before you ever ask me to trade my dog again. Who does that? What TOTAL STRANGER asks you to trade your dog who's not even a dog but a baby dog. She's three months old. Would you ask me to trade a colicky baby?
Never mind. Given what I've observed, you probably would because you are one of those sensitive soft-voiced men who try to seem generous and fair but who really have no clue what's like to be anything but white, male, and upper middle class.

3. People who take advantage of every inch that I give them. Fuck you because you ruin it for everybody else. I'm neither a specimen for your microscope nor am I a convenient "Have a Nice Day" doormat. If you had asked me one more question about myself, I think I would have morphed into some type of gelatinous gray goo and oozed through the phone to make you choke. I hated you that much. Mr. Muddy Boots? I can't hate you for some untold reason, the voice of which I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing, but seriously? If I see you coming, I am going to turn into really pointy nails to discourage you from stepping on me and not even just for looks. I would hurt you if you try to wipe your feet on me again.
Which I'm sure you have both learned by now.

4. The word "Potty". I fucking hate that word and I'm too lazy to try to teach the dog a cool word for when it's time to pee on the ground cover. "Potty" comes out of my mouth before I can stop it and I hear it hanging in the air between me and the dog. I want to apologize to her for not being more clever, and to myself for being so demanding of my supposed creativity. If I was so creative and smart, wouldn't a hip and edgy phrase come out of my mouth instead of the universally accepted inglorious "potty"? I'm so uncool that I can't even think of an example. With all the time in the world and not one, single full-bladdered puppy in sight and I can't think of something cool to say to her when it's time to go outside except for that god-awful, "Potty? Potty Rosie? Let's go potty?"

5. This clench-jawed, red-eyed feeling that I can't seem to shake.

6. Ex-lovers who try to be friends. Whatever. We are kidding ourselves here. If I know that you are off in the world with someone else, even though I don't want to ever see you naked again and I never want to pick up the phone and be obligated to deal with your sniveling, whining self-pity... I HATE you for being off in the world with someone else when I am over here trying not to say "potty" automatically to the dog and feeling shitty every time I say that stupid little word.
Don't go.
I think I don't hate you or our history. I'm just... I'm a spoiled and selfish little girl sometimes and I'm sorry that I'm acting out on you because I didn't get what I thought I wanted and someone else did.
It's probably better this way.
Luckily, I know that you understand this crap from me and that you won't judge me for it. Ironically, that's why I love you so much.
No, you suck!
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
No! Not "You suck" because you do suck.
I shouldn't have said that I hate you because I don't. I'm a duckling who imprinted on you and I'm disguised as this girl and I'm totally learning, I promise.
I'm learning.
Ducks and girls... that's tough combination. Is there a duck goddess I could read about?
Would the Monkey fit here?
Just be safe okay, and chalk this up to one of the few times that you're the bigger person.
I'll quit apologizing.

7. All of the people who are left behind. If I have to fight this hard to be heard, if I have to be this smart that the very life is sucked out of me just in trying to keep people from taking advantage of my formerly good will, and if I have turned into a fat fuckload of anger than I am weeping out loud for all of the people who had even less of a chance than I ever did. There are hungry, lonely people out there and I don't fault them one single bit for turning to a life of crime or a palpable substance abuse problem. Or religion.
The world makes you fight when you don't want to fight and it makes you dig when you can barely hold the shovel. One hour's ecstasy can turn on a dime into three days of agony. Why not lose yourself somewhere. I get it. After a certain point, you need to do what ever it is that gets you away from the daily assault. I won't judge you for that. I'm tired, too. And the dog needs to potty.

To summarize, Yahoo Horoscopes, tomorrow I expect something a little less obvious and a little more uplifting. I realize that you were just highlighting for me the extraordinary bereft quality that I have these days but there's no reason to call pointing that out to me "insightful".

Thanks for letting me fire that Uzi at you,
Aka from now on, "As Is". It's my new dj name.

arizonasarah at 9:40 a.m.

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