2005-10-10
Jesus on the Line
Ring ring! ring ring!
Sarah: Hell-ah?
There is no sound at first.
Sarah: (sighs deeply) Jesus? Like I don't know it's you. Dude....
Jesus: (heavy breathing but not really dirty-sounding. Kind of stuffed-up sounding)
Sarah: Jesus! If you want to talk to me, let's talk but come on! I can't stand these junior high games.
Jesus: Oh like you're so mature. All you did was play games with me and get your atheist friends to gang up on me behind my back. Like you didn't TOTALLY tell Mary Magdalene about my hairy mole just because you didn't want anyone ELSE to have me, even though you already DUMPED me!
Sarah: Dumbass. I knew it was you. What's your damage? Why do you care what I told Mary, anyway? You're taking advantage of my lack of caller id and calling me and not saying anything, like I'm not going to know who it is anyway. God. For being Almighty and shit, you can be such an asshole.
Jesus: (smugly, like He just saw the one opportunity He'll get to score in this verbal table-tennis game) I'm the Lord. I can be whatever I want.
Sarah: Than why don't you be a non-dick? Or a grown-up? Do you know what normal people do when they want to talk to someone? "Hi Sarah, this is a normal person. I was thinking that maybe I have a couple of things to tell you and you can take them for whatever you want but here goes." That's what normal people do. Damn, dude. You're like, INFINITY. I am 31. Can you not act like we are in 8th grade? For once?
Jesus: Ha! You said 7th! you said I was acting like a 7th grader! Ha! So which is it Miss Smarty McSmart? Am I acting like 7th or 8th grade? Pick one, Mrs. I know Everything and You Suck.
Sarah: (in her head, not out-loud) Om namah shivaya Om namah shivaya Om namah shivaya. (pauses) Are you done, Jesus?
Jesus: Yes. As a matter of fact I am done. Done with you! Ha!
Sarah: Sure. Until the next wedding and the next chance you get to turn water into wine and show off like you're invincible or something. You got crucified and you better be more careful these days because there's all kind of shit that could happen to a drunken Lord and Savior. You don't even know.
Jesus: It's just.... (sniffles) sigh. I'm sorry.
Sarah: I know.
Jesus: I'll leave you alone now.
Sarah: No, you won't. You never do but that's okay. It's our thing. Just don't not talk next time. It's creepy. You know I had a stalker before.
Jesus: I know. I'm sorry. Again. Just... (sniffles)
Sarah: Jesus? Chelsea is on the other line. I gotta take this, okay?
Jesus: Okay.
Sarah: Alright... bye. *hangs up*
Jesus: I love you. I honestly love you.
arizonasarah at 2:07 p.m.