The Next Contestant

The table?
She has turned.
Although my weekend was not more interesting that the lesbian coffee house to see my ex play her pretty songs to more importantly, to show off Rosie, followed by the tale-end of my friends' kid's high school football game - again - showing off the dog, it was....
Look, I'm going to level with the world wide web.
There are a lot of things that I am not.
I am not the loner I play in my head.
I am not the anti-social spinster that I use to justify my lack of an activity calendar.
I'm not afraid of new things or people of foods.

I just do not know how to find these things on my own.
I LOVE my lesbian friends.
A lot.
Some more than others have been loved....
but I'm not a lesbian.
There are two other chicks like me in this group of friends but one is married and the other might as well be.
Where I am going with this is that I have that old familiar tug of "I want to meet someone".
It's a toughie.
I've gotten used to not being in a full-time relationship for the last 3 years. I've had relationships but I haven't had an actual, serious boyfriend since I moved here.

I finally miss it, all of it. I finally understand what it was in each of my relationships that I want to carry forward, whereas in the past, I only could tap into know what I DIDN'T want from each of those experiences. I don't expect some conglomeration of expected qualities or anything but I do know what feels right for me.
And here's the thing that freaks me out: The idea of someone being around all the time?
It's kind of appealing to me. It used to literally turn my stomach to think of being in a relationship because I immediately felt smothered, or smothering. No, not kind of, I want somebody that I want to be around.
It's sort of a relief, you know? I was okay with feeling like that wasn't really the life for me, the relationship life that is, but not wanting to be involved full-time with anyone isn't exactly a hallmark of health.
At least, not for me.
Even though it served it's purpose and did it's job and got me back to feeling confident enough to be able to become vulnerable to another person without fearing myself or my partner...
that's big for me and I don't want to minimize it but what I do want to do is address how joyful I am right now.
I know for sure that the right person is hanging out and will be around sometime... I know that.
I know that I'll never be in a place again where I feel like I have to prove something, where I feel like I need to use someone, or where I am deluding myself into believing that my relationship is anything more than a close friendship.
Those are the three relationships that I have had, the Big Three, if you will. I had to prove that I could hang, that I was worthy of this gigantic legend named Steve. I used Chris. I was kidding myself with Nams - we were very loving friends.
But instead of looking at the negative and ugly parts of the Big Three and my negative ugly parts related to those relationships, I've been thinking about...
the good things.
And thinking that I have been on this vision quest at a level that I'm not sure other people go on... and if they do, they aren't so willing to broadcast it to the Internet at large.
But my point?
My point is that I feel so good. Even when I am a raging lunatic of Russian Rage, I feel whole and not like there's a piece of me that has broken off and is out there functioning all on it's own like a ticking bomb left in a storage facility.
I feel whole.
I feel honest, and this is important. It's the only way to bring in the people who are right for you. You HAVE to know yourself cold and you better be willing to admit when you suck but also you better be willing to be able to own your awesomeness, just as much as you own your fuck-ups.

I get to meet someone who's just right for me and I get to be in a relationship, a real one without any other motive than to adore each other.
Hee hee.

I can't wait!!!!

I wish I could hire Rod Roddy from the Afterlife and here's how it would go down:
God in the form of Bob Barker gestures Terry, my last steady date, over to the dining room suite, jukebox, and olde timey popcorn machine that he won playing Plinko and says, "Rod? Who's the next contestant on 'The Guy is Right?"
"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooou're the next contestant on The Guy is Riiiiiight!"
Theme music: Doo doo dooo
Doo doo dooooooo
Do do do do do doo doo doooo

I'm not sure who the next contestant is but Rod ain't gonna pick any losers now that he's in the Afterlife and all. Even my ex, Jesus, won't mess with Rod Roddy.

arizonasarah at 9:02 a.m.

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