2005-10-12
At the Bar with Jesus, Post Break-Up
"You have got to be kidding me.
Jesus is here."
"Do you want to leave?"
"And go where? This is Springfield! No matter where we go, He'll just follow us.
Is John here?"
"Yeah totally. But you better be careful, Sarah. You know how guys are all bros before hos, even if they are Immaculate Conception cousins."
"So what? Jesus and I broke up like four months ago and it's not my fault that He knows, or is related to, everyone. Damn, dude. What am I supposed to do?"
"Yeah, I know but I'm just saying... if you hooked up with John, Jesus would snap."
By then, we had been offered choice seating, central bar. Being Jesus' ex did have some perks. Older men have a tendency to offer me their seats and buy my drinks, even though I'm not like, 22 anymore.
I looked in the mirror of the barback, trying to see if I'd been spotted. Jesus was staring right back at me.
Creepy.
I turned around and He was at my back.
"Hey Jesus."
"Hey Sarah." He put His hands on my shoulders and I turned my bar stool so that I was facing Him.
Stupid God trick. Getting me to have to face Him or being touched possessively by Him.
I smiled at John the Baptist.
"Hi John."
John looked and smelled really... pretty drunk. His baby blond hair was kind of tangled and he slurred, "Hi Sarah. You're a prrrrrre'y girl. Jesus, innnn't Sarah prrrrrre'y?"
"Yeah dude."
Jesus and I were involved in a stare down, with a drunken but seriously hot John the Baptist about to fall over on one side of us and a concerned Chelsea, feeling really uncomfortable with the whole thing, let alone the religious aspects of the evening.
"Ummmm. Jesus? Did you want to join us?" I figured I might as well start and end the fight now, as opposed to later, or we would never get rid of Jesus and be able to enjoy our Saturday night.
I could hear Chelsea rolling her eyes.
"No Sarah, I'm going to finish this Hamms and have four more and do some karaoke while I watch you make a fool of yourself trying to hook up with John."
"How much did you already drink Jesus?" He reeked of the cheap beer that He preferred (because He could 'drink more of it') and His eyes had passed bloodshot and had become some kind of purple color that I guessed was a hold-over from Roman times or evolution or something. I giggled in my head, and made a mental note to use that evolution line during the next fight. It was a sure score on His ego.
"Not enough, Sarah, not enough to get you off my mind Angel. Ha! Not enough to make you pretty."
"Awwww, Jesus. You're too kind, really. Jealousy is an ugly emotion. You wish, you know? You wish."
"No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me."
"Why don't I not? You're fucking God - figure it out!"
I glanced at John and grinned, making sure to flash the dimple in my right cheek for him, seductively, I hoped. He's so freaking hot. Drunk or not, the guy looked as good as deep fried catfish.
Just as I smiled, John smiled back and I KNEW that he was down with me to ditch Jesus.
Sweet.
John had a crush on me before I met Jesus, before John had.... grown into himself, and before I knew any of us would get so involved. Back then I didn't even notice John on the radar. He was scrawny and smelly and not really interested in doing anything but smoking pot out of a gravity bong that he made. He lived in a cave and he was just... a parking lot kid, I guess. We were in the same classes all through junior high and high school at Sacred Heart but we weren't really friends. He was a parking lot kid and I was a cheerleader. A few years later, when I moved back after undergrad and Jesus noticed me, John was around but he was dating this girl, Terry Tyler. Total nutjob and a sex addict, I swear. One time, she dressed up as a nurse and waited for him in the parking lot of his apartment building.
Jesus was older and you know, a legend. He was the coolest Son of God back then. When I found out that Jesus liked me, it was all Jesus, all the time. I fell instantly and hard and I felt, finally, like I was awesome. Or Awesome, whatever you prefer to call the young lady who arrogantly wins the heart of Jesus.
We fought, we drank, we made up, we ganged up on people who didn't want to Witness.
We were in love, you know? It was stormy but what else would a 3 year relationship with Jesus Mitchell Christ be without a little drama. I loved the gigantic ups and downs and I know I enjoyed the fact that Jesus loved me more than anything else in the world.
And since we're talking about Jesus here, there was a lot of what I thought was love.
But after three years and a recent, growing notice of John's (ahem) development, I had been more than ready to move on for a very long time.
Jesus just won't let go, though.
We broke up - I was nice to Him, I was mean to Him, I hung up on His prank calls, I took His prank calls, I had Peter talk to Him about chilling out for awhile but over time, it seemed like the drinking and the following me and the weird stare-downs and the 2:30 am phone calls were on the rise.
"Chelsea, I have to go to the bathroom, come with. John, will you watch our seats and order me another Jack and Diet Coke?"
"Oh my God."
"Not anymore. Jesus and I are dunzo and He needs to have that pounded into his holy skull. We can't be together because all we do is fight and He's nice to everyone except me. Like He needs someone to take out his Almighty rage on or something. That is not going to be me anymore. Plus, I am totally going to hook up with John the Baptist so how can we get rid of Jesus?"
"Right. A. You're never going to get rid of Jesus. He's... I dunno.... Jesus. B. I would say ply him with alcohol but since Jesus is a seasoned drunk and obviously has already put John in a near coma for the evening, that's not gonna work either. You better just hope He gets bored and goes home."
Over the din of bar white noise, voices and glasses and the jukebox fading in and out as the karaoke DJ was getting set up, I heard, "Ladies and Jerks, please welcome to the stage ..... Jesus!"
A smattering of applause.
"Fuck."
"Sarah. What is He going to do? He's like, LOADED."
"What's new?"
>>>to be continued<<<
arizonasarah at 9:00 a.m.