2005-11-03

TV - Your Sneak Peek to Armageddon

My favorite night of TV was almost ruined by reruns.

Until I flipped past Fox at 8 PM and wasn't sure that I believed what I had seen so briefly. My remote doesn't work. No remote ever works for very long in my house. It's like I have some super-human power of stopping clocks, fuzzing up radio stations, and making remotes work in only their most basic ways.
All I can do with the one remote that works at my house, is to flip up through the channels or flip back down.

But I digress.
I think I saw something last night that proves the close proximity of the end of civilization and the dawning of a new......
something.

So what caught my attention was an enormous woman wearing turquoise and ordering a very small girl, whom I later learned to be her grand-daughter, to rub ice cubes on the back of her neck.
The space between her teeth was wider than I can open my whole mouth.
And she's from Louisiana, so git out yer Dixie, bohs, 'cuz I'm'unna watch Trading Spouses: Meet Yer New Mommy.

No, I'm not kidding.
I was sucked in from the MINUTE I heard this woman in Louisiana, currently in my TV, from the MINUTE I heard her say that she talks directly to Jesus.
Actually, at first , I was kind of jealous because Jesus is like, my ex-boyfriend and stuff and He doesn't like, talk to just anyone.
And that comment has nothing to do with this Mommy's spatial volume. Jesus might like pretty ladies better but He cares more about personality at the end of the day.

Anyways, Marguerite was her name and yup, the Holy Spirit was her game. There were shots of her on her porch, arms hoisted to the sky and holding aloft a bible - that's when she can really hear God.
There was a shot of her pausing with a compact and lip-liner in her hand, as if she was walking out the door, and she said, "God. Hey! Listen up! What am I forgetting?" And then a second later, "Thank you Jesus."
She explained that when her eldest daughter became pregnant, she had tough times and she had to really pray and be a warrior for the Holy Spirit but that Jesus talked to her and told her that the eldest daughter?
She would have to open a dance studio.
So driven by God, I guess, the oldest kid lives with her parents and her child and is the proprietor of a dance studio in a little tiny town in Louisiana.
It sounds like I'm setting you up for a VH1 Behind the Music: Brittney Spears in like, 5 years, once K-Fed has run through all of the money and Brit-Brit has to move back home with her parents and open a dance studio. Bust stay with me, because this lady, Marguerite, or Large Marge, if you will... she's on a show called
Trading.
Spouses.
Large Marge ain't sittin' on that porch and talking to the Holy Spirit for an hour on this show. She's trading places with some other mother. Now, I was really hoping she'd be going to a Jewish Family. After disclosing that she didn't understand or accept anyone who couldn't allow Jesus (Mitchell) Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, I seriously was hoping that the next scene would take me to a New York apartment where Eli Feingold and his wife Rebekah live with their 7 children, all named for the Super-heros of the OT.
That's Old Testament for the uninitiated.

Stupid little Sarah.
If you're going to watch a show on Fox called Trading Spouses that has already shown one party in the deal to be a Christian zealot of the very first order, you need to dream bigger, hon. At least Jewish people have heard of the bible.
At least Jewish people have that who "Pro-God, Pro-Commandments" mentality.
Jews are relatable.
She might even have met one a church-trip to Bush Gardens Florida, back in 1991.
My TV started to tell me about the family where Large Marge would be temping by showing me that it is near Boston (Jews, please! Jews - I literally started speaking to the TV, as the Holy Spirit guided me to do its prankster bidding. Note to self: Dream bigger).
I saw a shot of prayer flags and a Buddha and I was letting go of the Jew-idea and thinking confusedly, "Buddhists? They're not remotely offensive to anyone. Why would they be on Fox?"
.
.
.
.

Then I saw a pentacle and some candles on the side of a red barn.
PAGANS.

Large Marge and her bullhorn to God are going to be staying with Non-Believers, Non-Christians, and perhaps even non-baptized, non-lapsed, second generation unsaved freaks.

I didn't even flip around the channels during commercials.

So the show is Trading Spouses and I won't bore you with the details of the normal mother, the one who does hypnotherapy and who's married to an astrologer that she met on Match.com. She interestingly pointed out that she was hoping to see how she can improve her marriage because she and Hippy Dad fight a lot. From what I saw during the intro of Large Marge's family, Hippy Mommy will learn that God is the only way for two sinners - shut-up, you are ALLLLLLLLL SINNERS BEFORE THE EYES OF GOD -
Sorry.
Hippy Mom will learn that the only way for two people to succeed in marriage is to have a marriage based in god and fried foods.
Amen!

And no, that wasn't sarcasm. I can dig god AND fried food as preserving the sanctity and hormony of any relationship, let alone one wherein I've vowed to love, honor, and obey the bastard.

Margie gets to the airport and hippy dad, who was an asshole, in that "I'm sensitive pony-tail man but really, my long hair is my justification to myself that I'm emotionally 22 and I can act out the misogynist sentiments that I have and get away with it for longer because people think I'm all sensitive" way. He IGNORES Large Marge at the airport. Avoids, ignores, misses her, whatevski. She is the last person at the baggage carousel.
You know, I bet that if I was on a TV show and I saw someone whom I didn't know but was supposed to meet and that person was surrounded by cameras? I would guess that is the person I am supposed to be meeting.
So Hippy Dad, you're busted as an asshole for ignoring a fat lady and don't try to argue your way out of it. He FINALLY greets her and they are on their merry way to Sin Station, aka home for Hippy Dad. She was okay with all of this because, and I'm quoting here, she smiled at him and noted, "You look like Jesus, so I'm comfortable." Let me just say that like me, once they were touring the Wretched Ranch, Large Marge's eye went straight to the devil star on the side of the barn and like me, the first thing she thought of was the fiery threat of hell.
They did manage to have dinner and stuff and I'm not really sure what was going on with Hippy Mom and her quest to learn about her marriage, curiously excited in the backwoods of Louisiana. It seems like there would be rich fodder there but I guess this show just proves my theory: Richer fodder is when you bring the backwoods of Louisiana to Pagans in Boston.
Every time, people, every time.

So it's the next day, right? They had dinner and she was appalled at the astrology charts and mentioned that she was nervous about the dark side rubbing off on her.
Now, before I go any further, I want it understood that I am not exaggerating. I'm not growing tales taller than they already are.
I'm not embellishing.
Nothing.
This happened, on my TV, on Fox, last night.
And part two is next week and you bet your sweet ass, I will be tuned in, new episode of Lost or not.
I'll tell you who's lost though, sinners.
Large Marge is feeling so ancy about the dark side that she's got an uneasy feeling. She's trying to turn on the dryer and it's making a noise. Satan's work, natch.
She goes out on the porch and questions the children, who are sitting in a hammock out in Lucifer's Playground… I mean, their backyard. They laugh good-naturedly and claim that they did nothing to the dryer and that it makes that noise all the time. Large Marge turns to go in the house, with a limited amount of "Come on y'all, tell me the truth, whud y'all do to the dryer?"
She turns to go in and she says that there is a weird smell.
She cannot enter because of the noxious odor.
She turns to the children for help but they can't - they are minions of the devil and smell nothing.
She goes in the house and she starts dry-heaving.
Large Marge, and dudes… I am only calling her that because it rhymes.. this woman was so heavy that it's not a funny fat joke, okay? I'm not that cruel.
But she was a really big lady. And now, on my TV, this large, Christian lady with the dyky mom hair and the Madonna Super-Sized gap between her teeth, she's waddling unfortunately around the backyard at a total stranger's house and she's puking. And puking. And puking. From a smell that only she can smell.
The children, they experience none of what must be early-onset possession. I guess because it's too late for them or something, but they smell nothing out of the ordinary.

Well, it's time for an activity. Hippy Parents host a radio show that sounds like it sucks, mostly because Hippy dad is a horrible poser who totally hates his mother for no good reason. Large Marge joins him in-studio and things are going well. She has a really good voice for radio, or for TV and I meant to mention that earlier. She sounded so sweet before Satan tried to blacken her heart and she had to call upon Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the Holy Spirit, and some dude named Tom to help her put on her holy armor.
Which she really needed for when the psychic stopped by "unannounced" and joined Hippy dad in-studio, while Large Marge was on a trip to the Holy Ladies Room.
Yeah, during a commercial break, some young-priest-looking psychic guy pops in and Hippy Dad is "surprised". Margie must have been suiting up for battle because when she found out that Priestly was a psychic, she announced that she was very uncomfortable (on-air) and that she was excusing herself. Which she did.
On-air.
And then the asshole psychic went ON and fucking ON about how he believes, he's worn this cross (-->see? See? --> No, fuckwit, you're on the RADIO. I can't SEE you.) since he was 11, and blah, effing, blah.
Marge wasn't having it.
But what she was going to have was a great big party for Satan!
I mean solstice!
Under the pentacle on the Barn of Sin! With drums and incense and candles and Hippy Dad and if you thought that the imaginary smell of evil made her puke, you should tune in next week and see what some Nag Champa does to her intestines.
Or does it?
Fox won't ell me until next week.

But next week, methinks that Fox is going to give me a sneak peek at the first apocalyptic battle and it's going to be led by Large Marge, who takes on the Dark-Side in a one-woman war with evil.
This week, we met the Players, we know how strong Christian soldiers march and that Large Marge is very much, in her own wrods, a warrior for god. So I stuck around for the preview because I'd be a fool to not want more.
Good call, AZ-Is, because in "Next Week, on Trading Spouses!" Large Marge is shouting, "Git the fuck (that was bleeped out but oh-so-there) out of my house!!! She is NOT A CHRISTIAN!!!! GIT OUT!!!! OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!" and she's seriously looking like her head is going to start spinning and her eyeballs are going to pop out and her bible? She is going to need more than one of those because one ain't gonna cut it.

I totally can't wait!

arizonasarah at 1:50 p.m.

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