Remember Who You Are

"Speak in French when you can't think of the English for anything, turn out your toes when you walk, and remember who you are."

That's my favorite quote.
It's from 'Alice in Wonderland'

Last night, I was feeling really weepy and feeling really sorry for myself and I thought of that quote and I sent it to as many people as I could think of with whom I wanted to share it.

Two replied.

My sweet cousin who is cut from the exact same cloth as me said, "Sagely advised."

My other cousin, who I idolize, even though she is 5 years younger than I am, said, "I'm going to use that on my students tomorrow and ask them what they think it means. When are you coming to see me? I need some Wides time."

I laid down and cried myself to sleep because I couldn't have said it better.

I'm totally homesick.
I miss my mom.
I miss my dad, which I havenít actively done since maybe I was like 19 or something.
I miss my cousins and my uncles and my aunt, even though she is an Enabler and I eat and drink so much when I am around her that I turn into a blobby berry of a girl.
I even miss my mom's evil cat, Honey. Honey was born as close to feral as possible, after some people trapped a feral cat in their garage so that she should have her kittens. They wisely gave the kittens away to unsuspecting people like my mother.
Honey really doesn't allow anyone except my mom in her personal space. This is a problem because unlike my visibly dirty indoor-outdoor kitties, Honey manages to stay perfectly pretty when she comes in from an afternoon of killing things, especially when you compare her pristine coat to those of G-Love and Maggie-Sauces Ė they are always blood-stained, tar-covered and tar-covered upon their "triumphant" returns from The Hunt. Honey is so pretty that you just want to touch her and pick her up and hear her purr.
You can't.
There's only one person in the whole world who is allowed to even think about touching Honey. For a few years, while the service was available, my mom relied on a mobile veterinary service because she couldn't just take Honey to the vet without leaving the cat in the car while she went in and had the entire staff sign release forms to ensure that she would not be facing lawsuit when the cat attacked.
For my mother, Honey will do dog-like tricks that I can barely get Rosie to perform. Honey will sit, and beg and probably the next time I see her, my mom will have taught the cat to swim and to ice skate.

Yesterday, at the very end of the day, I got an urgency-escalated request to go to an office supply store and purchase items that I was short on for client meetings. Yeah. it was ultimately my fault. And I was fixing it as best I could. We actually had enough for everyone but there were no extras when we left. I had already prepared to send the extras over today, all I needed were a few of the expensive supplies and I ordered those on rush-delivery through our usual person.
Well, I get this request and I literally can't do it.
I canít afford to do what my manager was asking me to do.
Due to geographical differences, I had to send an email reply to my manager, and copy my team lead, explaining that in order to have this stuff done first thing, I need a pre-approval emailed to accounting because I can't float what I was being asked to float.

This morning, I haul in and get the money and get the stuff and get it all packed up and in my head, I'm still thinking about how homesick I am and how I can't tell if all the snot is from crying or if it's from the sinus infection that has been threatening to attack for about a week but I'm trying so hard to make sure the snot doesn't fall on the supplies I have to send tot he client and I'm still thinking, you know?

I'm thinking that it's folders.
I'm thinking that there's a war going on and I'm freaking out about folders.
And I'm getting sick and I'm homesick and now my head is hurting from the snot AND the thinking.
I should care about the folders, and I do. I care a lot about them, which is a little bit of a problem from one angle and which is the right thing to do from another.

But headed toward the afternoon, and then the weekend, I care a lot more about remembering who I am.

arizonasarah at 10:58 a.m.

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