Spontaneously Driving

Happy Valentine's Day.
While you are waiting for the pretty flowers, I already got mine.

At Trader Joe's, last night and they only cost me $5.99 and they look real pretty on my bedroom window sill. I'm sure that by the time I get home and the two cats and a dog that I affectionately refer to as "my only friends" will have made their heart-felt contribution to the day that celebrates true love and cute stuffed bears.

I actually did get flowers from an actual person that is not in any way me, myself, or I. It was very sweet - a little rose bush from a sweet person. Included were some candles, some candy, and a lighter for the candles.
Very sweet.
I bet I'll get home and there will be MORE presents!
Dooody-type presents from Rosie and if I am really lucky, something dead from the kitties.
Valentines Day is a nice day to get dressed up and to enjoy red and pink worn together and to give your crush moon eyes, or if you have moved into The Nudity Phase, perhaps to give the object of your affection a little lingerie lift, complete with big hair like boys like.
I would be ALL FOR IT.
But unfortunately, I am not quite there with the object of my attention.
Plus he's leaving to go rock-hunting, which fascinates me. I totally want to go.
Here's the thing, and I had to work the logic out by bouncing it off of Namoli Brennet, Rock Star.
I'm a lazy girl.
I've been conditioned to enjoy being home-bound.
There is a very strong argument for me being home-bound by boredom and lack of initiative.
So the thing that bothers me more about taking a three hour road trip to fish and look for pretty rocks with a crush is NOT the fact that he's a crush.

It's the fact that I would never think of myself as someone who just hops in the car and goes. That's not formerly me. I'll hop in the car but only after the laundry is done and I've been to yoga for the week and I've announced to the entire planet, "Hey you guys! I am going to be SPONTANEOUS! Can you believe it? I am going to get in my car and go on a ROAD TRIP into NATURE with my DOG!"
So the logic that I worked out is this:
Am I going because there's a guy that I kinda like going, or am I going because I've been sitting on my couch for a year?
I realized that I am going because I am so bored with being lazy.
There really is plenty of time for couch-sitting and seriously? If I hate every second of being spontaneous, I can always go back to not being spontaneous. I can always return to my faithful couch.
She loves me unconditionally.
I can't always hop in the car and go to California with my dog to meet up with a perfect gentleman and his dog and do some fishing and some rock hunting.
I could learn a lot by going and so now?
I am super-excited to go.

Yes, I have my baseball bat packed, my cell phone charged, my tires checked, and the headlamp that my mom gave me for when I walk Rosie at night.
And my vicious killer dog, who will protect me.

But seriously?
I dont have any inkling of danger on this. Its so far removed from anything I would normally do - it's the kind of healthy adventure that my favorite therapist recommended years ago when I discovered that I love adventure and also that in Illinois, adventure tended to translate into "Can I drink this whole bottle of Jack Daniels by myself?" Again with my old therapist, You have good instincts. Use them wisely, for good, instead of for evil. She was right. There are healthy adventures and then there are the years that I spent from 19 to 28. This weekend is a healthy adventure for me.

So rock hunting with my dog and a guy that I am all crushed out on but who is totally chill and grounded (I know - he doesn't in any way fit my usual taste in that he is neither an alcoholic nor a psychopath) is a BIG deal to me. I am going on a healthy adventure, with all of my gay little safeties in place, with a totally and uncharacteristically open mind, and I am totally excited to learn stuff I dont know, to see stuff Ive never seen, and to be able to add to my list of things that make living here better than living in Illinois: I went over to California for the weekend. On the Colorado River. It was cool.

Yeah. A little nature, a little learning, a little crush, and a little road trip. This could be just the kind of combination that will help me feel more steady on my feet when I am faced with a situation that is outside of the very narrow comfort zone that I learned to stay in during the shithead year of 2005.

Its time to move on and I might as well do it in a really cool way with some really cool friends. I might start learning how to chill the hell out and wouldn't THAT change lives?
Come on.
You know you want me to be more engaged.
Even if it is in a fishing, rock-digging way.

arizonasarah at 11:04 a.m.

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