Dear Vice President Dick Cheney

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney,

You are a quick responder! I guess it's easy to get back to someone when you listen to their phone calls and read their emails and stuff. Joking!

I have to admit, I was a little taken aback that you shot someone and there was only like, 8 seconds of media coverage on the issue. It seems like way more of a big deal to me than say....
getting a blow job in the Oval Office. I bet other Executive Branch officials have had the same kind of "pleasure" in their offices but I bet they haven't accidentally shot anyone.

It’s just weird to me that there’s no media scrutiny of your administration, I mean, like AT ALL. You shot someone and that story is gone in the blink of an eye. The First Daughters have been busted innumerable times for illegal, albeit collegiate, antics and we only heard about it one time, even though the underground reports buzz with Jenna stories non-stop. Meanwhile Chelsea Clinton hires a personal assistant, or chops off her hair and its news. I think this is a good place to mention a little thing called “illegal wire-tapping”, in the context of how in the hell did you get the New York Times to sit on the story for a year? That paper is supposedly a liberal bastion of facts and somehow, it really is starting to feel like there’s a relationship between the White House and the media that would not be blessed by the Christian Right if it was say, two teenagers in the backseat of a Toyota Camry.

Sorry, I do get a little carried away with metaphor but I think you know what I am trying to say here: Get out of the car before someone catches something or, heaven forbid, gets knocked up! All we need around here is another screaming Tom Delay mouth to feed.

You were responding to my letter to the President about the deal with Dubai and why it makes total sense that a nation who’s been spoon-fed pureed-fear for the last five years would be vocal and disingenuous toward even the idea of an Arab country purchasing and managing major American Ports.
The fact is that you did it to yourself and even I am not a liberal idiot who will spend these days wallowing in righteousness.
Sure you’re my enemy and I don’t trust you as far as I can keep you in my sights, if we were to ever go “hunting” together but at the end of the day, this could end up being a big International debacle that affects all Americans adversely.
Unfortunately, I have to be on your proverbial side to fix the fact that American credibility in foreign markets is about to take a nose-dive and we have now proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we don’t trust Them.
This display can’t be good at all but own up to the fact that your administration did it.
You fed us the fear and we ate it.

Now, that was the past.
Let’s look to the future.
Here’s my advice. Keep in mind that my fingers are firmly on the pulse of Corporate America and I might have some valuable insight as to how the daily fires are best put out in such a way that nobody ends up feeling burned.
1. Quit pointing fingers. The damage it done.

2. Quit controlling the media. Even if people are total idiots, they deserve to make their own opinions. To do that, they need information that is a little less censored than what they’ve been getting for the past five years.

3. Apologize to the iNternational Community. If this is something that you want to do privately, do it with a phone call to Kofi Annan. He’s very gentle and I bet he’ll be discreet.

4. Apologize to your citizens. Admit you know Abramoff and that things got a little carried away. Admit maybe Karl Rove misinterpreted what you said on the way home from cocktails that one night. Admit that we went to war in Iraq to protect strategic oil interests. If the US was at war in Darfur or in that lost cause, Tibet I could buy the rhetoric about Iraqi freedom. As it is, we’re in a pricey war to keep oil. No problem. I’ll get behind that - I chose to live in a place where I have to drive. But I will NOT support a war that is sold to me in the form of a lie about patriotism. Patriotism shouldn't be cheapened with lies. Spin it however you want to but TELL THE TRUTH. We’re a forgiving people and frankly, I might not agree with your decisions but it’s YOUR administration. I don’t have to agree with it. What I do deserve is honesty. You should trust me and tell me the truth though… what I am going to do? Turn in my two-weeks notice from being an American?
Newsflash: I can’t afford to quit, and that’s a metaphor for the ages, if I do say so myself.

5. Lay off of the French. They have a lot on their plate right now, and I’m not talking about Coq au Vin.

Hopefully, you’ll get a chance to take what I’m saying into consideration and maybe if you do, we can continue our correspondence.

I did also want to take a minute for not sending the ATF over to my place the other night. My neighbors were having a little get together and I got home in the middle of it. I don’t really know what was going on over there but it was pretty loud and suspicious. But you know, they’re kids and they’ll do what kids do. But thanks – the ATF would have made the dog go nuts and that would have made my other neighbors get all pissy, thus setting off a whole chain of un-cool that eventually would have traced back to our correspondence so…
Thanks man, I do appreciate that grace.

See? I can play the cover-up game. You can count on me, Mr Cheney. Just quit lyin' to me and I'm behind you 100%, especially when if we go hunting. (Rim shot!)
Okay, I know, I know... the joke is getting really tired and so am I, so I'll close this letter, but write me back, okay!


arizonasarah at 11:15 a.m.

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