2006-04-04

Yay! The Past!

I haven't been all that creative lately.
Real life, I guess.
I've done things like clean my floors and wax my car and I even figured out how to sell my car myself and pay it off and get something...
topless.

I think I'm out of it because the seasons are changing here but the bottom line is that I haven't been writing because I have been in a bad mood for the last 10 days or so. I feel like I have to shout to be heard over people who are stepping on my toes and bruising my ego. I have noticed that I’ve been talking really loud a lot, which makes me disappointed in myself because I want to be one of those quiet, classy, and well-spoken people sometimes. I’m shouting my way through almost every day and it’s getting old, even to me.

Fucking MySpace.
Okay.
We might have something.
Yeah.
MySpace.
I see this person there with whom I went to college. There was a party one night and there was a classically bad decision. It’s a lot wilder than you think, so don’t even try to guess. You never, ever will figure it out.
Ever.
In spite of the fact that this person was a party to one of my lowest moments of all recorded time, I totally own that situation and feel fine about it.
Or so I thought
Anyway, I see this person on MySpace and I send a message.
Keep in mind that I am 32 and this person was in my graduating class. Graduation wasn’t yesterday.
I’m all, “Hey! What’s up! I live in Tucson, I have a dog, and life is good!”
This is what I get back: “Remember that kegger at my house right after graduation? I was just talking to this other person with whom we graduated and to whom you have not ever seen nor heard from since about it. Weird!”

You were just discussing what is a very low point for anyone, regardless of who they are, where they came from, why they did it, and what they do now? There is no debate – it was a ridiculous decision that NOBODY would want to know is still being discussed by other willing participants ten years after the fact and well into a supposed adulthood.

I’m not stupid.
I know that if you write a check, you have to cash it.
I know that.
That’s not what my malaise is about.
I guess…
I just feel like…….
Does it have to be the first thing you say to me after ten years AND do you have to mention that you were talking about it to someone who knew me back then, too?

Not, “Hi! Wow! How did you get to Arizona?” or “Hey! What do you do in Tucson?” or even, “Hey! I thought of you the other day!”
But
“Hey! I was just talking to someone who knew you right about the time that you sunk pretty fucking loW!

And of course I told the person off because everything is always about me. There's never a reason for me to think twice about telling people off. I never know how to drop it.
Much to my further embarrassment, there’s totally a ‘You have a message from Myspace’

I expect that it is a lecture about how if I didn’t want to face consequences than I should not have done it.
No shit.
And I don’t mind consequences.
What I mind is your embarrassing me through the Internet.

There’s this tiny part of me that is trying to figure out how to get from feeling like I feel right now to feeling good that my low point was another person’s high point, so much so that it’s the first thing mentioned after ten years.

But I’m not even close to there yet.

And now it's time for the not-so-shocking update:
I just read the MySpace message.
It should surprise nobody that in telling this person off and being so fucking righteous, I am the total dick. That's all I am saying.
I am going to do my laundry now. I need to get out of here a little.
Here, being my head, of course.

arizonasarah at 12:56 p.m.

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