2006-04-10

Arizona Chris

When it rains, it pours and since I live in the desert, raining is a very good thing.

I spent about six hours on the phone with the Jeep....
I mean guy....
with whom I moved to Arizona.

It was awesome.

It was great to talk to someone who knows me so well, someone who feeds that part of me that wasn't getting fed in Illinois, and the only other person who trusted that coming out here was going to be a rebirth, of sorts for me, and a great thing. In his own weird way, he was one of my first teachers; he was one of the first people to speak to my soul and not to more surface levels of my humanity.

He was one of the first people who saw things my way.

He was one of the first people who forced me to trust my instincts and who knew that I was more than just smart, more than just pretty, and more than I would ever be able to be if I stayed in Illinois. There were a lot of things wrong with him, no doubt, and we have grown enough to be able to talk about all of those things without being defensive. We were kids – old kids, but kids. As adults, we got to talk without a boy-girl agenda and just be people to each other.

I could not be happier than I am right now.

I have finally found the ever-elusive closure. I have closure on questioning my move. Actually, I have closure on questioning myself. After six amazing hours of laughing and forgiving, of listening and learning, and most importantly, of being heard on a level that I forgot I had, I feel so good.

I feel alive and real, not fake or like I am trying something on for a couple of years.

I feel like I did it and I did grow and I am unbelievably full of worthy things that I never thought I really had. I am delighted that he called me and that we remain erstwhile in our connection, even as we have both grown and matured over the last four years.

I haven’t laughed that easily, or made someone laugh that heartily in what feels like an eternity and mon dieu, laughing like that with someone who did know me in my other life and who knew that I was better than that life…. that’s heaven.

arizonasarah at 9:30 a.m.

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