"Here's a Flyer!"

I was at the Folk Festival all weekend, which was great, but for Namoli’s big set on the Main Stage (which was awesome); Wendy put me in charge of handing out flyers for an upcoming show that Girl's Gotta Eat Records is promoting. She didn’t give me the option, really, she just said, “Here. Hand these out. All of them.”


That is my illustration of the panic I felt when my stomach tried to escape through my esophagus and I had to swallow hard to keep it in its rightful place.
And make no mistake, I wanted this. I want to be a part of this thing and contribute and be a joiner, I do. But there were a lot of people there and I was pretty convinced that every, single one of them was going to know that I am NOT a joiner, that I am NOT a cool cucumber, and that I AM a closet freak-show.

Plus, I was wearing shorts, which is a boundary-pusher in itself. Thank GOD the official photographer from the event hit on me all weekend because if your physical appearance isn't validated then you aren't shit, right?

I kid.

But only sort of, especially since ancient insecurities were recently dug up in the archaeology dig of my emotional development.
Thanks, Steve!

So Namoli is onstage and has the crowd captivated and they’re not all grey hippies with mandolin dreams and half their brain cells trapped in 1972, believe it or not. I'm standing around in my shorts and there are so many people I can't even stand it. They're all listening to the set and I have my execution instructions. She launches into the last song and...
Off I go, into the crowd.

I handed out so many flyers for this show.
It was strangely nauseating, but I did it. I say strange because I have no problem with public speaking and I like people again. In fact I like them so much, I want to make friends with them.
But this handing out flyers was hard.

"Hi, we're onstage at Congress with Garrison Starr and Tim Easton May 23."
"Hey! Here’s a flyer for the next show - we're trying to really pack the house!"
There's a show at Congress coming up - here's a flyer with the deets."
"Do you have one already? Awesome!"

When she got off stage and went over to the CD sales booth to sell and sign, I hung back for a minute, thinking I was going to throw up but I soon dutifully followed the crowd, smiled and started handing out more flyers.
I went along with the show when she said to me, "Just what do YOU want me to sign?"
I handed out more flyers.
Finally, as things wound down, I was asked if I was sticking around and I barely stuttered out that, no, I was going to head home.

I noticed that as I crossed out of the area of the Main Stage, headed toward my car, I was feeling shaky and like I had to get to base IMMEDIATELY.

I totally got in my car and started crying for no reason.

It's weird, you know?

You just can't tell about people. I am In Charge of a lot of Important Things. I am hosting a client event starring a MAJOR rock star early this summer. I run an annual seminar every year. I go to work and Effectuate Results for too many people to even try to tell you about in a blog.
Unless I was blogging about Result Effectuation – that, I can do.

I'm blogging about Personal Growth.

And about how things aren't what they seem to be, how you can’t assume things about people. You can look at someone who seems popular and important and involved and you could never, ever know that when she leaves. You don't know that she is not leaving to go running to her next engagement but she's leaving because she's very shy and she has to go recover from the shock of the adrenaline that kept her going, now leaving her system and therefore leaving her a quivering pile of mascara.

It was good.
It was good to be expected to exit solitude, and in a big way.
My friend Wendy is very astute and she kind of busted me out for not being a solitary person.
I had to think about it when she tossed of a comment about me, to me but she's right. I’m not a solitary person by nature.

I just haven’t been around people in ways that allow me to be part of the group in forever, and disregarding work I do mean foreverEVER. Since the late 1990s forever.
I used to HATE to be alone. I would get lonely if my mom and sister were late getting home from somewhere, or if I got home and nobody was there. I had an internal fit when Chelsea moved to Chicago and I realized that I was going to be living alone for the first time in my life at age 27.

I really don't know what happened over the few years to make me so damnably shy about approaching people and about joining them. Working for the record company and rollerderby are so good for me because they keep hitting these places in me that have had the power turned off for years. Like a vacation house, you know? Like if you have a place out in the country and it’s your favorite place in the world to be. You decide that you are going to live there permanently but you have been so preoccupied and busy that you haven’t been out there in a long, long time. When you finally decide that you want to spend more time there, it’s surprising how long the drive is or how much the landscape has changed.

I keep checking, though, and the good news is that I am on the right road. I recognize some of the good scenery that I remember. The wrong turns, the vehicles suddenly pulling out of unmarked driveways, and the hitchhikers along the way are just part of any trip. I try to keep my eyes open and recognize them for what they are, instead of turning the car around and heading to the safety of my couch and I truly believe that with every mile, I get closer and closer to being in my real home.

“You need a flyer!”

Really though… Tuesday May 23 at Club Congress. I’ll be there, pimping CDs or something and you might think that I am totally in control but you should know that really?
I have to try just as hard as everyone else.

arizonasarah at 12:29 p.m.

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