2006-10-02

Wrong Sometimes, But Not Dying Alone

You sneaky little thing!

I know, right? Pretty awesome, huh!

I don't even think I have any words to express.... it's....

Dude. I know.
I.
Know.
.
.
.
.
I recently went on vacation with friends of Steve's. Now, I don't need your admonishments, your warnings, your I-told-you-so or your comments.
They are my friends, too.
I haven't seen them since I left Illy, five years ago.
I rolled the dice, and I'm glad I did because of a few reasons, not the least of which include:

1. I can still drink like a fucking CHAMP. I was admittedly worried about this. Like, maybe there was something wrong with me that I didn't care for heavy drinking anymore. Now I get that I don't care for heavy drinking and coming home ALONE anymore.
It's all good if I am in the company of people who I trust infinitely and who I already know I love and know that they love me back!
This is a relief the size of which I might not be able to convey.

2. I do like people. I had a sneaking suspicion that this was the case because after a couple of years of solitude, it's only taken like, 1.5 months of rollerderby for me to feel a little lonely and weird on the nights when I don't have something to do with people. And I don't mean the dog park; I mean people who are around me with the express purpose, or at least a partial purpose, of interacting with me for more reasons than my dog being exceedingly cute and/or causing their dog trouble in the form of not wanting to play. You saw pictures of my dog, right?
She's not even on the scale of cute - she blows all cute measurement apart and there really needs to be a new word invented for how CUTE my dog is.

3. I do want to be in a serious relationship. I'm ready for it. I spent some time with couples in a 54 foot space and I think that, along with all the time I spent learning about commitment and growth and myself and all the bullshit I've been writing about over the last couple of years has resulted in me really knowing what I want.

Fucking finally, right?


Not only did I have this revelation of knowing what I want but I also had the extreme pleasure of understanding why I wasn't ready for it and hadn't found it up to this point.

"He had no right to say that!"
He DID say it and I DID internalize it and that's that. There's no reason to waste time on whether or not someone has a right to say something to you that makes you feel shitty.
He made me feel shitty.
I let it happen.
Would I do that with my next boyfriend?
Nope.
And I wouldn't waste my time on whether or not he had a right to say something to me that made me feel shitty.
I watched two incredibly happy and healthy couples and I learned A LOT.

The success or failure of a relationship that is happening between two compatible people with similar goals and values seems to depend massively on how each party reacts to the other.
You can't be spoiled and righteous and be in the kind of partnership that I crave.
You have to let shit go; you have to let shit go that you later call your girlfriend up about and you're all, "That dumbass boyfriend of mine? He is so dumb because he dumbly told me that he thinks Jenna Jamison is a genius and also hotter than me."
Let
it
go.
Jenna Jamison, on some level, is a genius. She almost single-handedly pornified America in less than a decade.
And let's face it, she is generally considered to be pretty hot while I am generally considered to be... pretty... well... pretty. But certainly not Jenna Jamison.

"I think he cheated on me while we were split up"
You were sleeping with my neighbor while you were split up.
Why are you angry?
This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
Let
it
go.

Being married, or even partnered up, isn't a festival of perfect.
It isn't where you get all of your self-worth, all of your personal value, and where you get treated the best at all times.
It's messy and at times it's ugly and humiliating and you do things that make you feel weird and uncomfortable.
THAT'S love.
THAT'S having a marriage or a serious relationship headed toward a marriage.

Once you meet someone who has similar goals, values, and interests... and once you have hot monkey sex a few times and realize that you are kind of in love, you have got to learn to let some stuff go and let your man e himself.

You have got to know how to handle YOURSELF for any of it to work, you know?
Any of it.

Otherwise, you're going to be like be: Right about everything but scheduled to die alone.
I'd prefer to not die alone, thankyouverymuch, even if it means that maybe I have to let go of a few self-righteous pretensions.

So…………………………………….
I put an ad on Craig's List.
And it is pretty awesome.
I got 56 responses, that's how awesome.
Obviously, I ignored the ones who said, "Do you fuck good?"
But there are a lot that I am not ignoring.
And I'm really, really excited to do this; I'm excited to go on dates and to hopefully meet My Boyfriend who I'll fall in love with in a way that I've never beeen in love before.
In a way that can only come from finally understanding how much simpler it all should be and how much of it just needs to be let go.

arizonasarah at 10:57 a.m.

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