Hate Mail for John Kerry

Dear John Kerry,

I can't stand you.
I said it.
Out and proud, that's me.

It's true.
I am always going to vote Not Republican and I'm always going to think for myself. I'm surprisingly conservative and patriotic, actually, but you?
You are effing up my situation, Senator Kerry.

You see, there are plenty of better candidates, people who wouldn't make Americans in trailers feel like total loser-assholes, and people who wouldn't make the mistake of telling co-eds that if they don't study, they will flunk out and go to war with all of the other college drop-outs.

You know, since soldiers were too stupid to finish college.

Now, on a case-by-case basis, I might agree with you, Senator. I'm kind of stuck-up sometimes, just ask my slave, George. He tells me I'm stuck up every time I see him. I think this is something to do with whatever it is in George's head that makes him want to be my slave but we don't talk about dynamics in that relationship.

So sure, some soldiers are stupid, as are some... Senators.
Like you.


I said it.
And now I'll drop it like it's hot:
I have a friend who has had a Halloween party every year I've lived out here, except for the last two. I asked this year, "Are you having your party."
I was told, "No. It's over."
John Kerry, "It's over." The days when people wanted to hear your difficult justifications and your fake-outrage are over.

Listening to you drone in your awful monotone of unpleasant, single-note "dramatics" is ALMOST WORSE THAN HAVING TO LISTEN TO GWB AND HIS FREAKY NERVOUS LAUGH.
No lie.
You, a fucking Democrat, have managed to rocket yourself onto my list of High Annoyances, in the sound category.
I can't listen to you.
When I hear your voice on my radio in the morning, I am so distracted by my urgent need to Turn It Off and Make It Stop that I drop my hair-dryer, almost in the sink, and am surely nearly electrocuted. I have to run to the radio, not trip on my robe and knock into the ironing board so that the hot iron doesn't fly into the air and hurl itself directly onto the dog, who then would require thousands of dollars of experimental skin grafts from doggie stem-cells that you are most likely too much of a pussy to vote in favor of, anyway.

And now, you are going to take your wife's money and run a campaign that no other Democrat can complete with, because, hello? We're fucking DEMOCRATS.
We don't HAVE any MONEY.
We give it to the POOR.
You're going to take all of your money and out-run really great candidates, some of whom probably have a lot more to say about things, in a much more interesting and melodic manner and you're going to fuck it up for them just by being on TV and reminding people why they don't vote Left all the time.

You stand for everything that's wrong with this fucking Party, Senator. You're a hypocrite, you're not a decision-maker, you pretend to know what it was like for Bill Clinton and you pretend to know about being religious but all you need to know how to do is GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY so that the Democrats can find a candidate who is born-again and who loves to shoot handguns more than he love to be shot up with Botox.

Senator Kerry, I am begging you to have mercy on me (and I'm sure you can see that I've risked my LIFE over how much I can't stand you or the sound of your voice) and leave the National Stage.

Go home.
You've probably got a flat-screen TV and an awesome game room.
I bet your stereo is pretty sweet, too.
Go home and play with all of the toys you've earned in life, please.

But PLEASE don't do this.
Don't run for President.

You're going to ruin it for the rest of us.

Very Sincerely,

arizonasarah at 3:51 p.m.

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