What's goin' on, Sarah?

Dude. I don't know.

You seem down, a little.

I know. I'm in my head, for sure!

Well snap out of it! You've got a lot of cool stuff goin' on. There's the live cd project, your testing and placement, your job you love, your cute dog, you got your keys back with little incident and no cost to you.... what do you think it is?

I don't know man.
Maybe it's the cold, or the fear of failing all of the cool things that are going on but I really don't want a while lot to do with any of them and as I've learned, repeatedly, that's not the attitude that Winners sport.
But it's true.
Internally, I'm this little one-woman vaudeville act of spinning plates on tall sticks. I've got them in each hand, balanced on my toes, on my nose, and even one on my chest, right over my heart if the human heart was shaped like a great big Valentine's construction paper cut-out.

I'm TERRIFIED that I am going to totally mess up any one of the spinning plates, that I'll give too much attention over here and forget about the one over there.
Or that I'll fall into an very old pattern of thinking that the one sitting on my cartoon heart is the only one that really matters.
In some ways, that's true. In other ways, the one on my heart is it's the one spinning plate that I can't really control. It's the one that has to wait for things to just fall into place. It spins kind of by itself and I have to kind of keep that in mind... there's nothing I can do, no, nothing I WOULD do to make it go faster or to remove it.
8 years ago, I would have run an all-out stalker blitz of campaigning for my success.
I know understand how stupid that is. Things are most likely meant to be what they are, to a certain extent.

This is true for all areas of life in the end, I guess.
The momentum keeps the plate spinning. If I've balanced it correctly and paid the attention to it that it needs at the time it needs the attention, it's going to be fine and it's going to fall the way I want it to - right into my hand without breaking.
If it doesn't fall that way, and I have to clean up a broken plate, so be it.
It's just a broken plate.
It's not a broken heart.

And even though I KNOW this, even though I can articulate it, I still feel like I'm behind some curtains and hoping nobody comes to the door.
Which is a feeling that I was over for awhile there... I had all the doors open and the windows and the dog was out playing and stuff.

I dunno man. I went back to Illinois and I think I got stun-gunned by some emotional rays or something.
I saw a lot of things from a lot of people that I love; things that made me nervous and sad and that made me feel like I don't have the right words right now.

And if you don't have the right words for people that you love like, violently and completely than you probably don't have the right juice for anyone, is my 'process' or whatever, I guess.

And it's not true.
Just because I don't know what to say to three people in my WORLD does not mean that I am incapable of communicating on an important level with everyone else.
I mean, it's total bullshit, I know.
But it got its brew on and it's living up in my head for now.
Hopefully not for long but for now, there's defiantly a weird sense of concentration on whatever it is that's in my head.

Well, can you call your EAP or something?

Rolls eyes and smiles (maybe something good is coming back to the surface)

arizonasarah at 12:23 p.m.

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