2007-01-09

Girls Girls Girls

I had all these grand plans to start writing again after making some changes....

TO MY LIFE.

Then I didn't, exactly, make any changes. I planned a bunch of 'em. I'm workin' them out, you know, the kinks and rough patches and things... saving the cash. Some things have changed, I guess.
I mean, I think I might have met someone and that's going exceedingly slowly which forces me to trust that it's all good.
He makes me think about things differently, more easily, and that's priceless really.

I very recently got a commitment from an organization that I wasn't expecting to get, not this early or this effectively anyway.
It's pretty exciting but it's not like, set in stone.
Yet.
It's set enough to make me feel like the whole things is genuine and real and that people get it, people who I wanted to believe in and was briefly but seriously concerned that I didn't.
And you know, vice versa.

I'm totally committed to moving, and not to a neighborhood that neither trendy nor residential but to the neighborhood in which I want to live, even though none of my friends live there.

I dropped a "friend".
I can't say I've been in a fake friendship since maybe like, JUNIOR HIGH.
Most of the time, I don't think the fake person even knows she's being fake - these people are just built differently, without guilt and without the emotional tangle that comes from being a quintessential girl.
She used to complain about girls and so I really should have used better intuition but I just don't look for callousness in people who start off warm toward me.
My bad.

This is the kind of chick who would win Survivor.
She doesn't have the same constitution of consideration or coalition building toward anything lasting, only toward that which best serves her.
Sadly, this isn't Survivor and it will go on after she leaves.
It will go on and it will have to clean this up. I trust that it will because machines tend to roll on well after the people who dented them.
She doesn't get that at all - that's she's a cog in a greater wheel.
We all are.
It's the nature of the beast. It's a good beast and it's good to be a cog but there's not a lasting reason to be unsupportive or exclusive.
It doesn't serve anyone and it's not really the ethos of the organization.

But she's careening away on an ego trip the size of Las Vegas and I'm some podunk that was left in a shitty casino pulling on a nickel slot machine and banking on hitting.
Which I did.
She's so far gone, she can't see how richly I won my jackpot and how different our paths were; how there's not a reason to ignore me or to continue dismissal.
An entire organization is shooting for a special provision for me... I think I have the ability she claims that I don't have. That much is clear; there would be no reason to go the extra mile if I wasn't ready in the eyes of many more than one tiny blonde Rookie.
I have the proof I needed that I have the value she hasn't endorsed since she moved into this tiny inner-circle that seems a little blind to the greater workings of things.

I'm trusting the outcome here.

If she didn't believe in my physical ability and my own leadership abilities than it's very possible that she wasn't really my friend and that she, to a certain extent, piggy-backed these innate qualities of mine until she was able to create her own version of them and use that to her advantage, to get what she wanted.
There's not a reason to stop being friends with me, not except for never really being friends with me and feeling that I'm now expendable.

That's fine with me, I suppose.
I have endurance.
I have long-term plans.
I have provisions.
People trust me. I'm honest and it's annoying and it creates extra work and the whining gets REALLY old but in the end, mon former ami, my shitty off-strip casino paid out much bigger and with much less cost to me, particularly in the relationships-building department.

Accidentally, I am building these unforced relationships and they're so much more natural than if I'd MADE people to talk to me or bribed them to talk to me. It took a little longer but I'm quite comfortable with where I stand in all of this - all of it.

And so it goes.
I am pretty well-versed in the politics of girls and I am beyond proud that I've stepped above it, FINALLY.
I finally have a greater sense of not gaming with girls and I hope it's not temporary.
I believe in women always and forever because I'm an optimist.
I'll always be around women for friendship, kvetching, and competition but I'll always be open and honest. I won't mince my words when asked for an opinion. I won't leap-frog from one convenient ledge of personality to the next or to a person in whom I perceive there lies some great power of authority.

I won't join into an unapologetic reality that fails to take in other perspectives until and unless there is a personal, political benefit in doing so.
I've seen this girl do just that over and over and you know, I should have known, I really should have.
I am generally more careful than this but I got taken in and I believed that we were real friends.
Maybe we were for a convenient length of time.

But now I donít seem to matter to her needs and an important irony here is how much I actually do matter in the greater scheme of things as they stand right now.
Physically, as a person with innately nurturing skills, as a not graduating and moving way person, and as a Trusted Friend to many, I am a gold-mine right for her on many levels.
Yet my former friend continues to look down on me in spite of a special provision being made to recognize my ability and commitment.
So I'd rather do something quieter and a little less obviously.

I'd rather go to the dance in my pink dress with a true friend than with a hot date, even if it means not making out with anyone and not drinking Everclear in the west campus bathrooms.
I'd rather keep my dress a little clean.

arizonasarah at 9:29 a.m.

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