2007-01-24

An Open Letter that Might Be Deleted Later

An Open Letter to a Sneaky and Lazy Colleague:

I'm tired of you going around my back on things. I tell you something and you ignore it but you don't suffer the consequences of the resulting phone calls. I do. All year long I do.
I get emails and calls all year long that are often argumentative from people who feel like they've been insulted and regarding issues that are never as simple as you seem to think they are.

But I've got a plan for how to reduce my stress and teach you a lesson - kind of two birds with one stone type of thing.

I'll press 'Transfer' and then when your extension rings, press 'Connect.'
I'll press 'Forward' and type the first letter of your name and no, I'm not going to screen the emails.

That way, you can experience things in real-time, the way they go down at my desk and you can learn to have some goddamn appreciation for what I tell you about the way things go.
I don't make this shit up.

You might do things your glossy, half-assed way for about, oh I dunno, an hour.

And then you'll find that it doesn't work that way.
You'll find out that something you said 7 months ago is Big Deal and that you should have probably researched it fully to make sure there isn't anything hanging out that will come back ten-fold.
You see, I know this because I learned that lesson 3 or 4 years ago.
You don't know it and you think I'm crazy for being completely anal retentive and obsessed, right?
Come on.
Safe place here.
You can say it.
You think I'm a lunatic.

Well, have at it.
When you find you can't get anything done because of something you thought was finished 7 months ago, because you missed something in your resolution and then you (because you're a total Sneaky Sneak) tried to cover it up you're gonna get stone-cold busted and I'm going to
love
every
minute
of
it.
No... every second.

I'll love watching you not sneak in at 10 am - you won't be able to do that because of people on the East Coast.
I'll love not watching you take 2 hour lunches - you won't be able to do that because you need to address this today and the place you need to talk to closes at 3:30…. I know!
You're usually totally out of here by 3:30, too!
But we don’t close at 3:30; we close much later than that and suger, you're gonna be here even LATER than later then that, trust me.
I mean, I know you don’t listen to me but just in case, you are listening, I would plan on working the full work-day, every day and then some.

I'll love watching you cry quietly at your desk because you're totally frustrated and tied up with the work this generates. It's sadistic, I know but the few things I've sent to you, I've watched you lose pieces and try to back-track and cover-up and ummm... yeah, basically lie about a lot of stuff.

It's gonna be a real treat to watch you try to lie through the volume of things you're going to have to do and about which you don't believe me.

So I bid you good luck and Godspeed; I can see you're laughing behind your eyes as usual and you're thinking that everything you do is perfect but I know better Unhott Stuff. I've seen your work. I've waited and waited and waited for you to get back to me, after several reminders.
That can't happen with the stuff I send to you from now on.
You have to do it and you can't lie and you can't let it sit for a month and then pretend you never knew about it because I'll find a way to make sure that you get caught. That's a promise.

Now, I would normally take the high road and offer a genuinely nice ending, I'm not going to do that.
Instead, I'll stick to the cruel low road and offer that if my Anger Fantasy were to come true and I could forward everything to you so that you would understand what the consequences of your actions are to another person, namely me… Which… duh. Nevermind.
Why would I think you would think about how you're affecting other peoople?
I've seen you leave at 11 in the morning and not return and sneaky try to fix things that need your immediate attention from where ever you are at 1 in the afternoon.

Anyway, if I were to send everything I get as a result of this over to your desk, I would hope that you totally fuck it all up and get caught being a Sneaky Sneak, I really would wish for that.

Oh So Sincerely,
~me

arizonasarah at 3:36 p.m.

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