2007-01-29

Black Hole

I'm going to look at the perfect apartment today at 1 pm.

I know this is The One.

It's across the street from a park and it's in an area where I can stumble home drunk whenever I need to but at the same time, I won't have to endure processions of puking college kids.

There are no drug dealers in my new, perfect neighborhood, and especially not living across the street.

There are plenty of homeless people but that's sort of par for the Tucson course in the winter. I mean... it's not usually hard-frozen the way it's been for most of January. In fact, today is supposed to get up to 70.

I have this Black Hole Project at work. It's sucking the life out of me and ruining my life in other areas.
I need to be focusing after work on practice.
I'm building up to A Very Special Skills Test.
Two of the next three crucial and the Black Hole is sucking me away from my life.

It's sucking me away from looking at my perfect apartment today.
It's sucking me away from two crucial practices.
I'm getting sick now, with at least a cold and fever and can I go home and go to bed like I should?
No, I can't.
I keep being told to take care of this or that and because of the Black Hole, I haven't had time to take care of anything.
Nothing.

Not even myself.
Tomorrow, I get up at 3 am and have it start sucking my soul again while I travel deeper into it, while I am told by it that I am inadequate, that I don't do enough for it, that I represent what it hates and that it can't believe what a load of horseshit it is that I have to offer.
Black Hole has no idea how much of my life it's over-taken.

I want to stand in front of it and scream, "YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!"
"WHY IS IT NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CRUSH ME WITH YOUR CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT POINTING OUT WHAT'S WRONG? ALL THE TIME? "
I mean all the time, too.
Even if it's not my fault, even if it's not directed at me, even if it's funny on some days.... after several years of hearing mostly about what's wrong and hearing about everyday, I've gotten to a point where I feel generally miserable.
I don't have a positive outlook.
I don't see the forest for the trees.
I walk around with a morose look and I pretty much want to hit something most of the time during the work week.

Why?
Because of the Black Hole.
Which, most recently, is about to prevent me from going to look at my dream apartment with any kind of 100% present focus.
I'll have to rush through, drive fast, split the worry, and hurry back.

And that's not really fair.
Not when there are people who show up to work at 10 and leave at 3.
Not when we're talking about me needing to address the fact that IN 28 DAYS, I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE.

I want to stand in front of the Black Hole and stiffen every muscle in my body and tell it to BACK OFF.
Because I can't breathe, you know?
Because I need some space.

Because it's so heavy that it's dragging me down into levels of resentment and emotional destruction that I can't handle anymore.
I can't do it.

I need to find a place to live, not be the person who's rushing back and speeding so that I can make sure I get all of the messages from the Black Hole telling me that this or that is wrong.

I need to go home so I can go to bed before getting up at 3 am, before coming home too late to go to practice, too late to get my dog out of the kennel, too late to eat the way I like to eat and on the schedule that I need to eat.

People wonder why I am so weird, you know.
Why this or that or they tell me I'm a bitch while they're drunk at a Christmas party.

I know why.
I donít know how to change it, but I know why.

arizonasarah at 9:01 a.m.

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