Of Course You Know This

"I have a confession to make. I've been doing some things that I think you know about anyway but I'm not anymore and I've really been wanting to talk to you."
"I know. And it's okay because it's just a rough patch - people have those. People who love you and need you understand. They'll wait for you."

A little later, and to lighten the mood, "Well as long as we're being honest here, I'm still in love with Jesus."
"I know."
"We've done a lot of terrible things to each other."
"You've done a lot of wonderful things for each other, too."

Just because I haven't fully-divorced myself from the biggest love I've ever known doesn't mean I won't or that I can't. I actually think that I did fully come through it and that, ummmmmm, it's not so much that I'm still in love with Jesus as it is that I know the difference between having a love like the one I have for Jesus and... having lesser versions of love like the ones I've had since Jesus.

I've not loved anyone the way I loved Jesus. Those were long-ago days, though, years I spent in the cradle of civilization.
It was a long and unlimited time, filled with driving to job sites through Galilean fields and watching through a summery-warm haze of first love, an imperfect Prince suffer the difference between His divinity and the natural, expected short-comings of humanity.

I'll fall in love like that again. I don't think that's very likely that there's only one shot to love unconditionally despite the things in the other person that are awful.

Sure the world can be a limiting place; there is a certain sense of pre-destiny and an unfortunate responsibility to make everything work as best you can but.... one chance to feel the way I felt about Jesus?

One person, in whom you have faith the way the very relious believe in and trust God? It's too impossible. There are so many people. There's no way that only one of so many people can be the receptical for all of the plug-points of your soul. Is there really only on person for whom you would make profound and sometimes non-sensical compromises just because of the power that your love for him has over you?

This must be too narrow, given that the universe is unfathomable and likewise, true and ageless love is at least as expansive.

I've never denied or tried to explain away too much of the actual root of the truth about Jesus.
Some of the details, some of the actions,... sure.
They had specific motivations and I designed them with specific goals in mind.

But the root was always the fact that although I can imagine being in love like that with someone else, I have yet to meet that someone.

And maybe I won't. I mean, it's wildly romantic to think that there's only one case of love so deep you can do anything, accept anything and be nothing more than a lump of self with him, knowing that he loves you no matter what. I mean, NO MATTER what.

It's an incredible feeling to have that, so maybe it is unique to one person that you meet in some fold of time where you found a big part of yourself.

Who knows? You know. Of course I do. I will always and forever no matter what other grander love I find or if I never do.

It's not a system limit but it's a fact. Jesus is always gonna be crowned and seated on the thorne of First Love. He will always matter - when he's awful, when I'm wonderful, when I'm awful.... He will always have that part of me.

I like it that way, too. It gives me a maturity, I think. An honesty, for sure and a story you can't easily beat.

Who the hell do you know is in love with Jesus? For YEARS. And for real.

arizonasarah at 10:04 a.m.

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