The Fat Zombie Queen

Man, fuck introspection.

And medically cosmetic adjustments.
I look dead, like a doughy-faced, dead ghost face zombie chick but mostly dead.
And the doughy-white colorless nature of my newly fake face makes my eyes look dark and I do not care for it at all.
And I can't do shit about it because if I were to allow the sun to touch my dough-bird cheeks or giant, newly freckle-less nose I would be struck with skin cancer and age spots immediately since there's I no longer have a protective layer of leathered tan skin and instead, I'm stripped down to like the third or fourth layer of skin which everyone knows is hardly protective.
How protective can colorless dough be?

I hate it and I will never, ever do this again.
It's working me at a core level of shitty:
If I am doing this in an effort to feel prettier and better about my skin but I hate it and think it makes me look like a grayish ghost with dark eyes and a huge freckle-less nose, then what the fuck was wrong with me before?

I look like a short fat grim reaper if I wear black and I look like the Pillsbury rollergirl if I wear white.

My ears are the color that my face should be - pinkish orange suburban white girl.

My eyebrows look like I dye them at home every Wednesday night.

I used to be able to find tons of lip glosses - pinks and reds and clears - where ever I looked.
Now, everything looks orange because that's what color seems to rise first from the depths of Dead White.

It's not alabaster for fuck's sake!
I'm part ethic, man.
I look.....
I look... like... I dunno.
I look like I'm sick all the time, like I have some malnutrition kind of iron deficiency that's taken away all of my color and that makes me cry.

Yeah, and crying?
Which used to be a good look for me?
With my darker-looking eyes, when the whites get all red from crying and then there's no fucking color in the rest of my face, I look seriously and dangerously ill.
The kind of ill where maybe I have to have someone come in a dye my eyebrows for me, which they do even though they think it looks really bad; they do it because they know I should pretty much be allowed to indulge myself in whatever pursuits I'd like to indulge in to feel like I look like my old, beautiful self.

I don't look like that.
The dark circles I have always had look infinitely darker.

Basically, I look like a fat Queen Elizabeth I and maybe like I drink a lot or like I'm an extra from an X-Files episode about fat vampires who work in bakeries and dye their eyebrows after a kill.

I'm so depressed.
I had an alright thing going with the way I looked.
I wasn't hot in any conventional, like, "damn baby" way but I certainly had a certain "alive" aesthetic that is much more appealing, I think, than the dead dough ball shit that is descriptive of my face now.

I miss my light eyes and having dark hair and having it look good instead of having it look like I died 6 years ago and was recently reanimated for the purpose of scaring over-weight children away from the cupcakes.

Ironically and awfully, what I look like and why I hate it and am so depressed about it.... I look older.

This thing that's supposed to revive my aging former smoker, tan-obsessed skin is making me look like an older, colorless, fake freak. ***UPDATE***
I've been told that my color will return in the next few months and that this zombified, doughgirl, lead-makeup freaky thing will not last forever.

Still though.... it's kind of uncool on several levels.

arizonasarah at 10:34 a.m.

previous | next