No You

Quickly, I have a few things to say.

1. I bought a new car yesterday. I'm proudly back in the Saturn family.
I feel like a responsible adult when I get in my new car and coast down the road with all of the elegance that a GM vehicle can have when it is designed by a French dude.
Saturn partnered with some French dude hence the new designs.
My new car is pretty.
It may not be cool or show off anything but it's mine and I bought it and it's a Saturn and I love being in the Saturn Family.
It makes me feel safe.

2. I had no idea I am actually the fattest person I know.
I joke, but seriously.... I saw photographic evidence last night and it was crushing.
I try to pretend like maybe I imagined it and maybe I did but.... then I look in the mirror and I am reminded that for no reason, I loathe the way I look.
From my short, too-edgy hair to my summer-swollen toes I can't get excited ever since I saw the proof.

3. I'm brought down by my job lately.
I'm going through that phase of feeling like I do everything for all of these people.
Someone calls me and barks about injustice and really?
Most of the time, the barker is a white dude who didn't understand why things were done the way they were done.
I do research and make sure things are correct and I explain and I never get a thank you, not from the ones who yell at me. Not from the ones who owe me a thanks.
Others call and outright lie to me about responsibility or they contact me to tell me that I'm wrong... even while I am working on their behalf with the info that they gave me, they call to tell me I am wrong.
They make me resentful and they reinforce the fact of feeling alone since here I am, working for them.... but who's working for me?
Who's saying, "Girl, You deserve for this to be taken care of just because you exist."
Nobody, that's who.
When I bring up something I think isn't right, this is what I hear, "Well. Maybe you could take care of that."

Maybe not, dude.

Maybe you could Rug Doctor my living room or help me remember what it feels like to be pretty.

Maybe you could let me be weak or incapable and stop me from half-assing the things I suck at but that have to be done.

Maybe you help me with this.

But since there really isn't a "you" and since even when there is one, it's not someone who is functional enough to be forthright and strong..... since the people who are drawn to me seem to hate themselves way more than I hate myself.... there really isn't a "you," now is there?

arizonasarah at 2:57 p.m.

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