Rush - The Cubicle Version

It really is only work that's making my guts spin and my hair gray.
Even more pointedly, it's only one project that's doing this.

Did you ever see the movie, Rush?
With the narcs who get addicted to doing drugs and who become really messy addicts for awhile?

Well there's this scene where the chick cop tells the sergeant that they need out, that it's not okay and it's too much and they've done what they needed to do.
He doesn't let them out, tells her their work is valuable and that they should clean up a little and then start enjoying working as narcs again.

I've cried.
I've formally requested.
I've fucked things up like, not on purpose per se but I've let things go without follow-up.
I feel like I'm getting punched all the time, like for a few hours every day.
More accurately, I feel like I'm in a maze and I can't figure out how to beat it because even though I do the things you're supposed to do, it's not exactly a puzzle so much as it is a trap.
And it's sad because my not being able to get out from under this project is gonna be the tipping point.

I can't go back to living every work day like this and.... I'm back to living every workday with hollow eyes and a pounding head that's full of second-guessing and managerial admonishments.
There's no-win here, no exit from the maze and I know that - I've straight up asked to be removed.
"Can I not be involved this time, I am not capable of handling it."

This project is killing some good things that I had going for awhile and that makes me twist in desperation to get out of the maze even harder, which makes the maze even more confusing and impossible.

I can't do it though.
I fucking hate it.
I haven't sat at my desk and cried in a long time the way I'm sitting at my desk and crying ever since this project started back up and to be totally repetitive and ineloquent, I fucking hate it.

arizonasarah at 2:46 p.m.

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