Never Give Up

Now I have a brand new brand new car.
It's adorable.
It's highly packable.
It's redder than a whore in church.

I love it much.

So I'm sort of looking forward to some peace being restored. It seems like it's stopped raining for a bit and in my book, that's decent enough news. It's means we're on the down slope and headed into really pretty weather, the kind of weather where I feel like it's okay, almost good to be outside.
the kind of weather where the though of the sun touching any part of my exposed skin makes me think of warm, fuzzy thoughts instead of thinking of the fiery pit of hell and how I am surely ready for eternal damnation for having lived in Tucson, Arizona.
Hell fires would probs just be like a really long summer.
Can do.
It's uncomfortable but it's, you know, summer in Tucson.

So I'm glad that the chaos of storms and shit is headed out of town for a bit.
Summer is invariably a metaphor for my life.
I'm that tuned in, baby. Something as small as too much wind will given me a headache.
Powerful storms fuck up not only my yard but also my life.
A summer's worth of powerful storms were packed into three weeks and sure enough, my life went into over-drive.

My poor little car fell apart and was replaced with something more me.
It wasn't that easy, if you've ever had a lemon, you know this.
And the stress of buying two cars in less than two months is no joke.
I can't recommend Saturn enough, even though I ended up not getting a brand new brand new Saturn.
They really do make sure that they are doing the right thing without making you feel like maybe you're getting taken for a ride - a bumpy, unhappy ride to The Bad Place where you've spent more money or time than you intended to and while you were busy losing sleep over trying to read in the contract about where this could have happened when you clearly said, "I can only spend________".... Saturn makes sure you only spend ______.

But alas, now I have a Japanese Sarah Mobile.
I haven't worked out the name for it yet.
Probably it will become The Sunny Mobile since that fits the car and that's become so much my alias that I feel weird when I hear my real name come out of the mouths of some of my friends.

I also had family junk and personal life junk and all of that seems to have passed.

Now it's just ultra hot and clear and headed toward Fall which makes me.... well, I wouldn't say relaxed but I would say relieved.
Tired still, very tired.

There's so much I want to do in the very near future.
I want to look at moving.
I want a real boyfriend.
I want to take sugar back out of the food I eat. I started working on this one and decided that a step-down program was the best course of action for me. The last time I quit eating sugar, I crashed like a fucking junkie. I had tunnel vision and pounding headaches. I was a bad scene.

And speaking of detox, John the Baptist has mysteriously disappeared. I was doing my stewardly duty and checking up on him now and then.
When I was in the neighborhood and drive by his trailer (seriously) the other day, there was nothing there but a box of rusting junk and his Jeep.
Or perhaps I should say, his Heap.
It's jacked up with a tire missing and a Dominos Pizza delivery light dangling from the rollbar.
The seats are rotting out and it's sort of gutted-looking.
It's eerie, man.
I so don't know what happened. Dude hasn't had a phone in months, like since around Christmas.
I can't imagine how he would have gotten the trailer out of its spot, or for that matter why he would have done this.
He wasn't exactly interested in moving back home and should his parents see that thing in its current condition, I cannot imagine the torrent of crap that would have been brought down on his pretty blond head.

But I think he just gave up.
And I think that's the difference between me and a lot of people I've loved over the years.
I haven't given up.
When I know I am too fat, I try to do something different.
When I know I didn't scrimmage the way I wanted to, I admit that I am very tired and need to go home and rest a little so that I can not get hurt, not ruin something by doing that which I know I can't do at the moment.
I complain until I can't see but I never ever ever ever give up.
I don't give up on people or on hoping that in the end, it will all work out to a place that will be calm and comfortable.
I don't give up on believing that even though I am pretty done out here and ready for something new, I still have commitments that I enjoy and things that feed me.
I don't give up on love which is ultra-elusive for me, magnified by the number of my friends who are recently engaged or who have discovered they are expecting their first child.

I don't give up.
I won't give up.

arizonasarah at 2:43 p.m.

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