Writer's Block Jumble

1. Work. Crazy busy. I can't even put into words. Monday I was sick? 20 voicemails. That's probably all I need to say about that.

2. I can't figure out how to write the things I want to write about without really hurting feelings.
2a. It's abuse of the system and I have very weird feelings as I watch it, feelings that I can only describe as "Republican." What I am watching is exactly why people vote for politicians who will cut social services.
Which isn't fair because there are people who NEED those social services, people who don't have a choice but to use social services. It's not fair that someone else who really needs it might not get a chance because of another person's choice to abuse the system.
2b. You chose this situation. Children are expensive. Not everyone gets to maintain his or her standard of living once a kid is in the picture, not without a lot of committment and work anyway. Again, using social services to support the prior standard of living is.... abuse of the system.
2c. I do think that the plan that's being formed is dirty and duplicitous. I don't support it. There are more ethical ways and broader responsibilities that those of us in privledged situations should take into account when we consider taking public support for our private decisions.

3. Get a job.
Or move out.
Or something.
I am struggling with taking this seriously. I really want to.
But.... I don't understand the stuttering nature of it and can't help but think that maybe the stuttering nature has either to do with the fact that you are maybe not that into me or that maybe you don't want the actual responsibility that a physical relationship implies. Email doesn't cut it. I hear from ex-boyfriends (collectively) more often than I hear from you and they are people who have full time jobs, cars in their names, and who live either in homes they bought right after we broke up or in apartments all alone.
And you know, maybe it's not that big of a deal to you or not that interesting to you. Like, I'm sort of a handy thing to have in life but that three shuldn't be that much responsibility placed on the whole thing. And maybe I don't want there to be a big thing here becuase I am admittedly getting really resentful. Really fast.

What matters to you?
I don't know what that thing is, what it is that inspires you to dig deep but the Triple Threat of Not Being Able to Be Taken Seriously is having an effect on me, much more quickly than I had expected it to.
I like private insurance and nice bags and getting my hair taken care of by someone who knows what he's doing.
These things are important to me.
Money matters to me and I don't have to justify myself on this topic.

Plus, I had this dream last night, that there was a kid, an unnamed kid.
And you emailed me to tell me the name of the kid, like, "His name is ____. The first name is for me, the middle name is for my mother and the last name is, obviously, mine."
And I FREAKED, like I was screaming and ranting in my dream and watching this cartoonishly shrill person rise up out of me and I was HAPPY to be that way.
Because I realized that you actually had very little to do with the work the kid was causing - I was paying for day care and for insurance and had the kid at my house.
So, in the dream, I shrunk back into my normal levels of weird and waited for a beat before not only naming the kid one of the baby names I picked out when I was like 8 and all the girls on the block were choosing baby names but I also gave the kid my last name.
Because I do not fuck around once I figure something out.
Not in my dreams anyway.

Believe me, I wish I was easier, too. And this is me TRYING. But there has to be someone who doesn't mind. 4. I am listening to Iron and Wine. I'm not quite sure yet. It's totally hippy and a little Josh Ritter but harder to hear the lyrics. I think I am going to turn it off and listen to Neko Case. No, wait. Josh Ritter. Better than both Case and I & W. I think Iron and Wine is some kind of sensationalized prediction by the Phish Phans who keep getting older and insisting that jam bands are still relavant or interesting or cool.

5. I am tired of being cold. It jacks my body up so bad. I doubt it's good for anybody to be out in 30 degree temps for a 2 hour roller derby practice, where you are getting hit and falling and crap. You just can't get warm enough to do it safely. I have this complaint every year I live in this town where indoor facilities are irregularly available.
And every year people go, "You think THIS is cold????? Chicago is fuckin' cold! Think if you were in CHICAGO?"
And I respond, "Hey Dumbass? People in Chicago and elsewhere in the Midwest are smart enough to NOT WORK OUT OUTSIDE WHEN IT'S THIS COLD"
So sick of that argument.

6. Got an email from the Viking. Interesting. An excellent writer, that one.
I wasn't kidding.
But you know that.

arizonasarah at 8:54 a.m.

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