Stupid Pop Music

This is the part where I could tell you all about how my Vietnam Vet therapist thinks I am totally on the right track, how I've done all this work to change how I think about things, how I understand that confidence is a verb and not a noun.

But instead of all that, instead of showing the miles of tracks I have laid, tracks that rally do go somewhere, that carry me and people I love distantly to vacations and homes of sweet gentle satisfaction and camaraderie and easy couches holding us all together with glasses of wine, with supple shoulders to lay our heads on.

Instead of all that, I want to tell you about this cd that someone made for me.

Someone around whom I cannot stand to not be.


Someone who, when we stand together, leans closer longer and more easily than he ever did when we were "together."

A cd, the modern mix tape which is for my generation and countless others, the epitome of closeness and romance. It says, "Here are songs I love and that make me think of you."

Either because I think you would love them or because they more literally remind me of you - the way you feel to me, the way I want you to feel to me. IT says, "The way of you feels like this song I'm putting on a cd.
For you."

Now, riddle me this jokers.... coincidence are these songs? This mix is incredibly tender compared to the earlier ones. It's just got this feeling of somethng beautiful, something understood.

I'll name a few songs and you decide if they are coincidence, if I am ready way too far into things. Now, remember, Homie is a music man in a savant-like way. He hears things and knows things about listening to music that you and I will never, ever get. That said, I proceed:
1. Matthew Sweet. Devil With the Green Eyes. Now.... that's... my green eyeballs are my only real hit in the genetic lottery. Things came together nicely but I'm a rough draft for the sister who would follow me and my green eyes are really the only stand-alone stunner. There's NO WAY that's a coincidence.

2. Killing the Blues - Allison Krauss and Robert Plant. This song is SO romantic and resigned and.... "You want me to find what I've already had."

3. Always See Your Face - Love. You know it, you love it, you heard it on the High Fidelity soundtrack. And if you didn't, we clearly have not hung out enough because High Fidelity is my Safe Place. Even if you didn't know that, if you put this song on a cd that you made with the specific intention of giving said cd to me and you are a guy who likes me and is confused and shit.... this song is a big bold move.

4. The Beautiful Ones - Prince. No for reals. And toward the end. Look that shit up and tell me this song is innocuous.

There's a lot more on the cd but... I can't really ignore the facts of this mix. I mean, that's the intention of a mix tape, right? It tells you things the other person wants you to know. It conveys messages - it's the very nature of a mix tape. Always and forever, girls have gotten mix tapes from guys and cooed over the songs, geeking out over favorites remembered and possibilities threading through choruses of songs carefully chosen and arranged to be pleasing, to catch her ear for him. The songs on mix tapes exist to be read into.


Christ I love him.


It will all work out.

I donít at all believe that things are just meant to be and thatís that but I do believe that there is a certain amount of faith that you choose to have in your own life. I think I am choosing to have faith in this weird relationship. Itís weird. Weíre not together. But we are so together. Thereís nobody I want my head to be closer to when we talk about something interesting. to stand that close to when I am out, nobody I want to wait for like this.

Nobody I have ever met in my life has makes me feel like this. Oh, I have loved. Ihave been in love, I know.
But this is something so much more familiar to me than either of those other guys were. It's so fucking natural. I can't emphasize enough that I get him. We are a lot alike and I just... get it.
So being in love with someone who is a little innate to me is amazing.

But being in love with him doesn't make us together, doesn't put us in a relationship.
Knowing that he gets is, or being reasonably sure he does complicates things a lot, too.
And what do you do with that when youíre over here feeling okay with everything about him and heís over there, not feeling okay with everything about him.

What do you do?
Besides wait.
Or... not.

arizonasarah at 9:57 a.m.

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