2008-10-13

Identity Crisis - Mine But Not Mine

You're Sunni Sideup.
Yes.
And Sarah.
Yes.
This has implications.
Not really.

I think that for anybody who has a hobby that takes up a brilliant but public space in her life, there will at some point be an identity crisis. If not for her, then for her friends and lovers.

It's bitten me once, in losing a friend. I don't really know what happened except that we forgot we were friends and got caught up in league stuff, in team affiliation and in the sometimes transgressive politics of women trying to work together toward a common, competitive goal.

And now it's coming up again but in my romantic life.

I met somebody who is really interesting to me. He's older, he's not wiser, and he's fascinating to me.

He's also a part of derby.

I guess it's like having an office romance?
I've never done that.

But I also know from recent and heart-breaking experience that derby and life sometimes don't coexist, that they sometimes just can't and that no matter how much you want to fall in love with someone, if the only time you have is sneaking in a couple of hours here and trying for a couple of hours there then the trigger will catch and the relationship just won't go off.

That happened, and it sucked.

This time, it's the opposite but it's also because of derby that there are glitches and catches and hesitations.

Will it rock a boat that's never steady?

Just to back him up, into a corner and make him sit there until he understands that I am all of it is all I want to do. I'm me and I'm my derby stuff and there's no difference is what I want to do.

Sit.
Listen.
Repeat it back until you understand.

Derby is just part of me now. It doesn't define me, it's not an alter-ego, it's... it's like a profession. I am massively involved and detailing that here is to reveal, in some ways, too much for the point I want to make.

Which is that no matter how much leadership I have, no matter how vocal or committed or entrenched I am, itís still just me.

It is something I do.
I'm Sarah.
I'm Sunni.
I'm me.

Nothing less and nothing more.

arizonasarah at 1:14 p.m.

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