Stuck in the Mud

The break was not intentional.
But derby derailed and I was sort of... in the middle of it all, trying to put the brakes on one car but get a different one to speed up.

And also, I do not understand what is up with me and the mens.

Dig it: I adored Crushbot. For whatever messed up reason, I could not relax around him though. Until a few months ago, I never got to the point of like, being able to breathe normally and feeling like super comfortable. I think part of it is that he's kind of verklempt, too so.... two awkward people awkwardly being awkward is weird. But I still adore him and will DIE the day he starts dating someone and doesn't call me to do fun stuff. DIE.

I was seeing someone else who got all old skool mean on me. There are people in this world who are almost smart but not quite super smart. These are the people who can't explain to you why they're so mad or they try to manipulate you in slimy, passive aggressive ways and have no clue that not only do you know exactly what they're doing but you're smart enough to play the game and out-wit them so they hang themselves.
I was involved with someone like that.
Naturally, at first, he seemed totally interesting and nice. But nice and kind are two different things.
He was nice but he was NOT kind.
Among other things, he:
1. Called me fat (not in so few words)
2. Called me a man-hater
3. Threatened me with my own organization
4. Tried to tell me that he has really high testosterone which causes him to fall in love every time he sleeps with someone.
I was sitting at dinner for that gem and couldn't finish eating because he just kept talking and talking about it.
And the whole time?
I know that this is scientifically retarded. Testosterone makes it hard to fall in love. Oxytocin, which is more of a female hormone, make you fall in love.
And he just kept going on and one and one and I realized that I probably have noticeably higher levels of testosterone than this dude.
No, seriously.
I'm pretty buff.

So there was that winner, who, because of extenuating circumstances requested and received the full-on Sarah Antagonism Treatment.
He told me I was being antagonistic.
I wasn't, I was saying repeatedly that I had already stated my opinion and wouldn't be discussing the matter further. It was a fight-worthy matter, not related to us dating.
He kept trying to drive me off the road and I kept refusing.
Even after we agreed he didn't care that much and I did so, great! Case closed! It matters more to me and you agree it matters more to me so let's drop it, shall we!
Oh no.
Then circled BACK and told me that he's never been spoken to with so much antagonism in his life.

Which pretty much gave me permission to go off-leash.

Now, I'm intense by nature.
And vitriol is one of my specialties.
I have learned so many times that these are not necessarily the best qualities so I keep them tempered unless and until I give myself specific permission to open fire.

I deserved it man.
I went all out.
I could have been arrested.

It was worth it.

And now things are coming back to center, you know?

I learned and shit and grew and junk but for realsies.... I'm so sick of learning and growing.

Like, here's what I learned.
No matter how careful you are to not point fingers, to say what you need to say and then say no more, to not blame anything on the things you might think of as short-comings in the other person... no fucking matter how high the road is that you force yourself to strike out on, lonely and cold and desolate as it may be.... the other person is still gonna fight dirty and it's still gonna hurt and you're still gonna have to do damage control on your own clean trail dust.

And that's why I dig my Crushbot still so much.... he was just like me about the way to treat other people.

The tone may not always be perfect or comforting but the message is clean and considered and fair and respectful.

So basically, and I'm feeling pretty crazy right now but haven't written in so long I just need to commit to getting back on it, I sort of feel like telling everyone but him to fuck themselves and I sort of feel like telling him everything and that I still have these great big feelings for him and that he remains the best dude I've ever met in like, so so many of the most important ways.


arizonasarah at 10:56 a.m.

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