Do You Want Anything?

A colleague just asked me if I want something.
She meant to bring back for lunch but...
I immediately thought of all the things I wanted in that very exact moment.

I want someone else to call all of these people and tell them that they owe a lot of money and that despite my best efforts, there is nothing else I can do.

I want someone to tell the social butterflies in my office that this is a VERY bad time to argue about keeping the once-monthly hours-long birthday celebration that takes us out of the office and/or away from our desks.

I want someone to tell my co-captain to give me a little credit and to question me on any technicality but to stop questioning me on my own morality. I moved a practice because I'm over-whelmed and was told, "In the future, let's not let emotion make decisions."
In the future, let's give each other a break.
Especially the other of us that has to get up and go to work at a sometimes difficult and emotional job.
In the future, let's not assume that there's a personal drama behind decisions and give a little credit that maybe a decision is a considered one.
I want that, that's what I want.

I want people to call me when they say they will and I'm not talking about dumb boys. I'm talking about friends who I took time to comfort and when it's their turn, they blow me off for their new lovers or TV.

I want people to let me campaign for whom I want to. I can tell people who I want them to vote for. This isn't a vote that concerns me or the team I captain so I feel totally justified to campaign.

I want to be asked what's wrong, not told what I'm doing wrong.

I want to be told what I'm doing right.

I want to be told, "Hey thanks."

I want to not have to repeat myself eight times for eight people, just once, on one topic, I want to not repeat myself or get eight texts asking me eight times what I've already said eight times.

I want to skip activities and only work out so that I look good and not for any athletic goal or because the weight of performance expectation is so fucking heavy that if I don't go to the gym and lift and burn and really work, I will not be able to carry it at 34, torn hamstring, captain years old.

I want things to be set to MY schedule and not have to put MY schedule last.

I want to have once for things to work out and to not have to remind people to record their work and to update me in a timely manner on things relevant to my work.

I want to not change the water cooler, ask for repairs, make fresh coffee, clean out the fridge, or open the door. Why do I not smile sometimes? Because I am cleaning up after an entire side of an entire building sometimes and when others say they'll do it.... they don't.

I want to fall asleep at a normal hour, to not fear going to bed because I know I'll lie there in the agony of insomnia for three hours.

I want that asshole to be exposed and for everyone to see that he's an arrogant prick who's in it for himself and himself only and that anyone who asks a girl if she thinks she's too fat to jam has zero business coaching anyone.

I want... a lot of things.
I want things to settle down and I want the requisite healing time to hurry up and pass so that I can get back to feeling good about my life.

And in the meantime, I want a little more compassion from the people who should by now understand that some things are not okay with me right now.

That's all stuff I want.

But no, I don't want anything for lunch.

arizonasarah at 11:40 a.m.

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