A Decade

I think it's so lame when peple say they can't help something.
"I can't help it - it's the way I talk!"
"I can't help it, I just never call to let you know I can't make it."
"I can't help it, I just love him."

And I do.

Maybe it's because he's the first person I ever really loved or because through that relationship and the subsequent ten (!) years of vitriole, adoration, relieved reconnection, studied avoidance, and eventual intrinsic trust I learned so much about humanity and how delicately people balance against one another so strongly.

It's comforting to trust someone as much as I trust Steve and to know that even with great distance and great... dissolution, I still have this amazing relationship with a guy.

It makes me feel really lucky to know that there is someone male who I actually trust and who trusts me even after many years of growing up and around in the horrible things we have said and done to one another.

So, that said, I can't help it.

Of course I love Steve.
I always, always will.
I've tried everything.

And no, this isn't me saying I'm still in love with Steve and giving up on future loves being just as important and just as deeply connected.

It's just accepting that I... love Steve.

And I'm very grateful that after ten years, we are still around each other.

arizonasarah at 11:59 a.m.

previous | next