2009-01-20

This is Not My Problem

Sigh.
You are not going to compare your not getting thanks for helping people get their software working to my not getting thanked in helping people get many weeks worth of disability payments approved.

Sigh.
You are not actually going to attack the way I run my team and then play victim and call me a bully because I call you out on it. Bullies back down and donít hold themselves accountable. I am a professional when it comes to admitting my mistakes and honey, I canít ever let go first. Especially if I know deep down in my gut that Iím on solid ground.

Sigh.
You are not actually going to criticize my weight and tell me it's because you're my coach. Which, you're not even my coach on this team so what the hell? What kind of weird power trip are you on, anyway?

Sigh.
You're seriously not going to tell me that my dog is out of control when you had to give yours away because you couldn't take care of it.

Sigh.
Please tell me you're not going to make me ever have to ask you again to let me get a load of laundry done on a Saturday afternoon when I work all week long and you.... don't.

Sigh.
Are you really going to snipe at me for filling in as best I can when you could just as easily have picked up this entire project months ago and taken care of the leg work for everyone? You donít have a job, either. Take care of yourself, man. I have way too much to do to listen to this nit-pickery.

Sigh.
You're going to try to manipulate me?
I'm smarter.
I can see the path youíre trying to find with every sentence you try to make me swallow. Itís not working. I know who I am, what I want, how I want to get there, and I wonít apologize for the fact that you have ostracized yourself. Let it go. Itís over.

Sigh.
You're going to blame me for your public humiliation when I thought they were talking about me and only found out it was about you when I APOLOGIZED for what I thought was my inappropriate drunk-ass behavior? I agreed with the warning that was issued because I knew I needed to hear it. Turns out you needed to hear it more and you STILL donít recognize, you STILL havenít apologized, and that my former friend is the difference between you and me. Turns out that no, Iíve not gotten out of control at a sponsorís place of business after-all but I have the self-awareness to be concerned about the possibility that I did.

Sigh.
You're going to put me in a starring role in your paranoid delusions? I'm here to have fun. As soon as it stops being fun, I can quit and believe me when I tell you that I am finally to the place in my life where I feel just fine about that. I donít need conspiracies, cliques, or whispered alliances to have fun. You may want that but if you havenít already noticed, I tell everyone everything. Conspirator and Blabber-mouth are pretty mutually exclusive.

Sigh.
I just stood before my whole team and told the whole truth and you STILL can't be accountable for your own actions? What do you want? What is it that you WANT because it's not clear at all, to anyone. At all. I canít make you happy until you accept that youíre unhappy. I canít apologize until you decide what it is that Iím apologizing for. I said some nasty stuff. I apologized for that. But what else is it? What is it that continues to be so bad, so wrong, and such a goddamn hold up for your happiness?

Sigh.
You're going to fall in love and still need me?
And this goes for the lot of you Ė I may be the Coolest Chick You Ever Met but itís mos def a grass/green kind of call. Save it, unless youíre going to tell me Iím pretty. I know Iím cool.

I know Iím cool and thatís why all of this?
Is so, so very lame.
Iím not out to get anyone.
Iím not able to keep secrets, let alone plot and scheme and head up a major conspiracy to undermine the very thing I love the most in this town besides my dog.

I like my nose.
Iím not into cutting it off for spite.

Go away little girl.
Go away people who canít look in the mirror because they hate so much what they see. Every human being on the planet is ugly sometimes.
Even you.
Deal with it but donít try make it my problem.

It's not my problem if you hate yourself and no, you can't make me join you in self-loathing.
Finally, those days are behind me.

Now go away.

arizonasarah at 2:02 p.m.

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