It Was Never Meant to Be Forever

You know my heart was really super broken, right?

And that I threw myself into working out and playing roller derby?

That paid off. I look really good. And I can smash up a whole lotta people, which is great.

I just looked up from this project recently and realized that I'm busy and happy and need a couple more hours to myself but, over-all stuff feels pretty good.

Except for once in awhile, when I notice that certain temperatures, days of the week, and smells remind me about that broken heart I still have a little.

Don't judge - it's just a little broken and only once in awhile here and there when I hear things on the street. At least I can admit it this time whereas in the past, I would be insisting that I'm TOTALLY. OVER. IT.

And when I remember that I have no idea how to get to where I want to be because I am so massively undecided about where I want to be.

I never meant to be here forever. I was planning on a year and now it's been almost seven (difficult) years.

I wish someone would tell me where to go. I can figure out everything else but I can't figure out where to live.

I'm really worried about being 40 and having to start dying my hair blond because I can't keep up with the grey and having like, nothing but my dog and pictures of me spending my glory days in a pink waitress dress beating people up.

Maybe I really will move to St. Louis.

It's really bugging me why I can't just decide.

I guess that's because I like my committments.

Or is it the relative happiness?

I miss being in love.

arizonasarah at 1:50 p.m.

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