2005-04-19
Between the Lines
One tricky thing that I think anyone who writes about his or her personal life, in any format, is faced with a choice about the writing.
The choice is this:
Do you write eloquently about the things that are really happening to you, even though those things may reveal intuitions, intimations, and be intrusive the personal lives of other people; or do you write comedically about your cats and your job?
It's not an easy choice and I haven't decided which way this is going to ultimately go. I've been getting a lot of readers lately, which is thrilling.
I've got A LOT going on in my life and I haven't written about most of the substance-laden bullet points.
I'll make a compromise with myself - sort of test the waters and see how it feels to offer some of the realio dealio. I'll bullet point Big, Major, Important Things but I'll be as veiled as I can be.
Here goes:
* Karma is a cunt. All my heart, baby. All of my antagonistic, self-loathing and desperate heart but those shitty things had to be sorted out. No, I'm not done with that and you're doing just fine and so I'll see you the next time around, guarantee it.
* Sweetheart, I hate you but at the same time, whenever I'm around you, I totally dig your friendship and feel like you genuinely care about me and by the same token, I genuinely care about you. I'll work on balancing these emotions but I also want you to stay out of my romances. You never did any favors there and from what I can see, you're not going to let it be.
* How much I need $1,200 dollars is beyond the Pale. Things are status quo but fuck if I could afford to? I'd just end it even though I think the whole situation is absolute, utter extortion of my person. You go on and live with yourself. Go on. Git!
* I was never that into you but I really, really wanted to be. You're a good person but you're kind of flat. Sometimes I think of you when I read The Onion. It's all good though - no hard feelings - I didn't feel that upset. Thanks for letting me have my cursory fit.
* I don't know if anything but time could have healed me. You do amazing things for so many people and you have scraped me off of the side of the toilet bowl where I was clinging, trying to heave up what I had hoped to be that last serving of my depression. Thank you.
* For a total jackass, you've done well for yourself. I am strangely not anywhere near wanting you back and to be honest, I'm rather proud of how you've carried things off for yourself. Well played, Dickhead Soup. Well played.
* For such a sweet, wonderful treat, you... no... hey (snaps fingers) ... HEY! Yeah. Where was I? Oh yeah, you just aren't that smart. Wicked hot and the memories are mind-blowing, to be all meta but good luck. You'll get nowhere and that's what suits you best.
* You? Easy does it, huh? I'm getting to you. I am so in love with you, I can't even see straight. I have our whole lives planned and believe me, man. Stand back and prepare to be amazed because we rock the mic hard. Admittedly, I have no idea if you're in or if you're out but either way, there is no escaping what you know you want.
* I don't miss you. I tried for many years to miss you and I just... don't. Good luck getting old and stuff.
* I've spent my whole life trying to balance things that I should not have been carrying. Or maybe I'm that lucky and spoiled that I think I shouldn't be carrying those things. I need to be sorry that I ever picked them up and you need to be sorry that you left them out where I could get to them. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I handed off some of my load to the persn who was next in kine. That was not okay and to both of you: I did the best I could and I guess I'm a person whose "best" isn't that great until later. I never meant to hurt anyone.
* Who the fuck are you and why are you so nice to me? Are you this nice to everyone? Is there something I should know about and nobody wants to tell me? Am I seriously interesting to you because to me... you are authoritative and if YOU can see something in ME, and it's totally pure from motive and pity then WTF? Is it? Is it clean because if it's not, I might stage the break I've been threatening since I was fifteen. So just tell me that you are for real and you aren't there to keep things away from me. I don't think I could take that.
* Ditto on that last on to the two of you. State clearly your intentions and do it immediately.
* I can't crack you open. I am not the cracking-type unless I feel it's totally a necessary last resort. Plus, if I did body-slam you, you will just run away and that's not where I'm going with this whoole thing. You think you don't need guidance and that you're above council. Think again. Nobody moves beyond those things, not even people who are as special as you are.
*
* Hey, it's time for me to leave work!
arizonasarah at 3:58 p.m.