2005-06-03
Light a Match
I went to PetSmart last night to get my dog her first set of shots.
They told me "No. She's too young."
Part of me understands not wanting to be sued when my dog gets super-sick from her shots but the other part is like,
"Dear Dickheads,
I am writing in the matter of Rosie Adorablus. She is a hearty, healthy pup who is learning to pee inside. She needs to learn to pee outside. Without her vaccinations, she cannot pee outside. Since the VET told me I could get Round 1 at 6 weeks, and since the guy in line behind me had a smaller dog, only 1 week older than Rosie, and got his dog vaccinated; I feel that when my dog gets sick, it will be your fault.
Do you really want me on your back PetSmart?
Think long and hard before you answer.
Respectfully,
Arizona Sarah"
I love having a dog (mostly) but she's eerily smart and even though she's a baby, she knows where to pee and poo - doesn't always make it there but she's figuring shit, so to speak, out frighteningly fast. My greatest fear is that I am such a good pet-owner and dog trainer (Because I RULE supremely over all creatures great and small of course) is that I have creating a Puppy Pad Monster who won't be able to urinate unless there is a big white Depend Undergarment lying in the street. Instead of carrying around dookie bags to pick up poo, I'll have to carry around Always Super Plus with Wings so my Precious Princess Puppy can squat.
We'll be the biggest nerds at the dog park.
That's probably not news.
What is news is how much I do not want to see my so-called friend this weekend. I got a lecture last night about blah blah "back to Illi blah blah and I was thinking the whole time,
"You can't even name three interesting things going on in my life because from all the wacky tobacky, your memory has about the longevety as that of a tse tse fly. Don't bother lecturing me about the bonds of friendship. I'm thisclose to laughing at you."
But he won't take no.
"I know you're all excited about a new flame but I'm gone next month... Illinois is a long way away"
Thank god
"A brother from the past shouldn't be dissed for a cat from right now."
Yeah... ummm... dude?
In that sentence, you just sealed your fate as yes; in fact, a guy from right now can actually be more important. In fact, getting my weekend tanning and choring done can be more important. I don't want to drop everything to see you.
I do not want you in my house, I do want you to catch a louse.
Live long and prosper "brother" but please don't come down here and watch my ass when I bent down to greet my dog.
And don't go through my stuff and don't fart super-loud and then laugh while you're in my bathroom and DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
I have to call him off but I feel like a real bitch for that. I feel like I owe him something.
That's probably pretty stupid. I don't owe him. His trying to make me feel like I am a shitty person for not wanting to hang out with him is lame.
Even more lame is that fact that he won't admit that's what he does.
It's purile and see-through to me because I've tried to pull that crap myself, like 200 years ago when my I was newly introduced to the Manners for Children of Divorce.
,br>I literally want to have lunch and then for him to leave. I can't even use Namoli as an excuse because she leaves today for her summer tour. Usually, I can say that I have plans with her and for some reason, he backs off.
Probably because his pervy brain gets all filled with pervy lesbian ideations and then Penis Logic dictates that it's okay for me to blow him off because I am with a girl that I've seen naked.
I hope all my friends in Laguna Beach are okay. I'm going to have a good cry for Kristin if she lost her home. I mean, Steven and L.C. are off in San Fran, so I'm sure they're okay but now they're coming home from their first year at college. Poor Steven.
God knows who Kristin hooked up with while he was studying and now he has to come back to all those rumors AND a house full of mud.
I hope Lo and her pretty VW that she got for graduation last year are safe and sound.
*sigh*
I'll watch every rerun of Laguna Beach until I am in the nursing home and then, I'll watch Laguna Beach in my Cudlee Slip-Proof MocSocs and my cotton robe that I wear all day. I'll make sure that when Nick at Nite is showing Laguna Beach, I'll be sitting in the first row of wheelchairs.
I love that show.
I need to get up the courage to tell him that I'm going to pull through just fine if he doesn't come down here. I want to lay out, I want to do some writing with Sarah McCool-Coolio, I want to get Rosie to sleep in her bed, on her own. I have no desire for an interminable visit with someone who, while kind and sweet, is basically so clueless and arrogant as to think that I have fun having to praise the sub-par guitar playing and singing who, when directed to MY most creative endeaver - Arizona Sarah - doesn't even realize that it's MY website.
Idiot.
That's a true story. I have sent link after link to him.
"Hey! I wrote this."
"This is funny and it's TRUE!"
"You might like this - it's from my website."
Awhile ago, I sent a link to the story about the dead cats.
He called and asked me if it was true and if so, how did I get it onto that website.
Then when I blatently asked for comment/compliment - wait, you're gonna love this - he told me that he didn't realize it was my site because the picture at the top isn't of me.
Do I need to tell you how this is going to end?
Dear Readers, I trust you to draw your own conclusions on the above rhetorical question.
I've known said "bother" since around the turn of the century and the "cat" that I met knows more about me than the "brother" (also known as "cockslap") does. Plus, I'm still pissy about back in the day when all those dudes would be all "bros before 'hos" and then when I started dating a dude they knew, all of a sudden I became one of the 'hos.
No amount of wheedling and explaining from him is going to make me feel better about this.
I have cramps and no pain killers and I have to work, even though it is stunningly beautiful and I want to go play... play meaning "lay motionless in the sun like my cat Grace".
I'm totally taking like a three hour lunch.
Watch, now that I've said that, there will be a call from a client and I'll be here until 8 pm or something.
No, nevermind.
Today's going to be a beautiful day for torching a bridge.
arizonasarah at 9:47 a.m.