2005-08-10
Alpha
I really love my dog.
It's such a different relationship for me and I have to say, my dog is cool.
She has served three dogs who outweigh her but 20, 35, and 55 pounds respectively. She steals their toys and runs off in glee and then when you say her name in a baby-talk voice, "Rosie!" she cocks her little head and looks deep into your eyes, "Yes? Was that yours?"
She's that popular chick that is robo-hot, straight-As, confident to the point of bordering on arrogant, and yet at the same time, so unbelievably cool that you don't hate her. You can't hate her. She's nice to you... not just nice but kind of flirty and you feel like you share a secret joke with her that only the two of you understand.
She makes everyone feel that way.
She's bossy and kind of punk-rock and yet she has her sweet side that parents love. She can be charming, innocent, and smart when she needs to show off. She'll do her tricks with no hint of rebellion and with a great big eager smile.
Parents love that stuff.
She's Kirstin from Laguna Beach.
I love that show but man, I love that dog. I've never been involved in any project that is so successful. Seriously! My dog is a project for me. She came to me and I needed to learn some commitment skills and some patience skills and I needed to remove the remnants of Illinois corn-cobb-ass. It's a well-known "secret" that I like to think I am foot-loose and fancy free and that I waltz through the daze with not a care in the world.
Really, that's a great big act and I'm a total tweaker. I worry.
A lot.
For no reason.
Too much.
I worry about how much I worry.
Having a dog will lighten you up real quick-like. Pee on the floor? Big deal. It's just a little pee. Smell some doody? Hopefully it's solid because explosive diarrhea sucks to clean! Oh, look how cute she is while she chews on her bed and looks up at me to make sure it's okay.
Look! She does tricks.
"Will she do it for me?"
Yeah! Just use your hands to call her. She'll jump right into your lap! Watch, she'll go back and forth between us!
"Oh
my
god
that's cute."
I know.
And she loves me unconditionally. She doesn't care if I put her in her crate whle I clean or if I scare her by lowering my voice as far as possible to say, "NO!"
She doesn't care if I put coins in an Altoids tin and shake and yell "Alpha! Alpha! I'm the Alpha! Leave it! I AM THE ALPHA, DOGLET! ALLLLLL-PHAAAAA!!!"
She jumps right in my lap when I am done having a banshee fit and licks my hand and falls asleep.
She's my dog, you know?
I should have done this a LONG time ago - gotten a dog. Dogs really make for increased levels of confidence. They have just enough of their own personalities and nees and they express those things to you. It's your job to provide for them. If you have any kind of history of non-provision and un-helpfulness, get a dog. You will quickly learn the sweet depths of your own soul. You can't leave a puppy if it has just eaten a tampon. You have to make the puppy throw up and then monitor it all night.
Who knew I could do that? Without bitching about it? Dare I say, not minding in the very least? Usually, I make someone throw up and then I laugh and coldly toss them a dirty towel for their post-puke spitting fest while I am hot-footing it into my Bitchin' Honda and giggling at their misery all the way home.
I'm not actually mean, I'm resentful.
Well, maybe I am sort of mean, in an appropriately funny way.
I also think that I've been sucker-punched one-too many times to not be a mean girl. And I'm cool with the Karma that's come with being kind of on the insensitive side.
The dog is like a cash-cow, paying off my bad Karma that resulted from general peevishness.
I am required to be nice.
I have a ankle-bracelet of love that accompanies me out of the house, thereby requireing that I am responsible for it if she pees on your floor or chomps greedily into the flesh of your tasty hand.
Yep...
those things are mine to clean up and I have risen to the occasion much more enthusiastically than I ever would have thought.
In lieu of getting fired for blogging, I only have one thing to say about the agenda and attitudes today:
Screw you.
I may have the software but I'm not an expert.
I am an expert on the project you just stole from me. Have fun figuring it out because it's hard, hot stuff and honestly? I'm not going to have time to work on it when you bring me back in, mid-crap festival and clueless so that I can go back and rebuild things the way they need to be built.
You're on your own with that one. I offered, you delined, don't think that I am going to bail you out. Have fun!
As for this mess that you volunteered me for, without checking to see if I know anything about that software:
1. I don't know anything about it.
2. When this sucks, I get to say "I told you so.
3. When you commit my time, you need to let me know about it at the time of the commitment so that in the future, if you want me to do somethng that I don't know jack about, I can figure out a solution that the client likes. the way you did it here, I was the solution and I am a really half-assed solution for this situation.
4. Will you fucking give me some credit already?
Love my dog, hate my day. I'm totally not considering quitting my meds anymore. Jesus, it's only Wednesday and my blood is boiling over something that will probably be really easily finessed by my charm and sense of humor.
Is it weird that I would totally take it as a compliment if someone were to say to me, "Your dog is JUST LIKE YOU."
arizonasarah at 9:20 a.m.