2006-02-22
Toothache
I've never had a toothache in my life and I have one today.
Naturally, I've concluded that my All Candy Diet, while trimming on the waistline, has finally wrought the consequences that I knew all along were going to be brought upon my dental health.
I am terrified that my tooth is going to fall out and I am going to be left with a gaping hole that makes me look like I drink a lot of Mountain Dew.
Which I don't.
But the Twizzlers?
Okay.
I'll give you that point.
I brush my teeth a lot and at my last cleaning, my hygienist told me that she rarely sees such lovely teeth. Now that I think about it, I wonder if that's just something they say to all of the patients.
You know... flattery to get you to come back.
Flattery goes the distance for me and it's possible that the hygienist recognized a discernable lighting up in my eyes when I opened my mouth and she said, "Wow! You have really great teeth!"
"Gahnk Oooo"
"You should see some of the mouths I see! Man. It's like some people never heard of a toothbrush!"
"Uhl-lee?"
"Yes but you're not one of those! You could floss some more - oh! Sorry! Did that hurt?"
"Gho. Ough-t Ucsh"
"Yes - do you floss regularly?"
"Ghort ov. Whi ose ackerz? Uh sicks ih uh oss ohn ehm?"
"Oh those are great! You know where I always floss with those? In my car! Like at a red light? I just get one out and floss. You should do that too because you really need to floss more."
Because of that conversation, I am now freaking the fist out that my thrice-weekly flossing schedule has rendered me a mush-mouth, slack-jawed yokel with an ever-decreasing chance of ever procreating with a man who has good genes.
Losing a tooth, a crucial front-of-the-mouth champ like the one that hurts is going to be a Death Knell, I know it.
I'm ready to bargain with G-O-Double-D on this one.
"Are you there God? It's me, Sarah. My front tooth hurts reeal bad and I was thinking that since I hardly ever ask for anything this directly, that maybe you could cut me a freebie and save my tooth! Here�s the deal: I'll make an appointment for "next available" if you fix the bet so that there is nothing wrong with my tooth and I'm just having a Special Sensitive Day.
I need this, Almighty Dude, I need this real bad.
In return, I will up my flossing schedule to an in arguable once per day. I will floss at red lights, if I have to, in order to get it in once a day.
Look?
I am flossing right now, while I type, with a Placker - you know, those sticks with the floss already on them?
I'm flossing!
PLEASE SAVE MY TOOTH WITH LITTLE TO NO OUT-OF-POCKET EXPENSE, GOD I AM DESPERATE AND I WILL NOT ONLY FLOSS BUT IF MY TOOTH IS JUST FINE, I WILL ALSO PROMISE TO HAVE LOTS OF GOD-FEARING BABIES WITH A MAN WHO HAS GOOD GENES.
PLEASE, Please, please.
Please save my tooth."
I can�t keep writing this.
I have to go see if there is a spreading blackness on my tooth, one that would indicate my bargaining with God was both too little and too late.
Now let us join together in prayer for a sweet little tooth and, vicariously, my future progeny.
arizonasarah at 11:10 a.m.