2006-10-24
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My plan in life is generally to roll with things, like, to not worry too much because where's that gonna get you, man?
But you know what they say about plans, best-laid and awry and all.
The thing is this: No matter what I'm up to and having fun with, there's always that feeling that I know the rug is going to be ripped out from under me. This is the primary reason why I have never committed to a relationship, been particularly excellent at work, or gone back to school.
The curse of the Middle Class is that you're swimming along and then you get a load of sewage dumped on you.
You can't get too excited or too happy about anything, at least not in a carried away sense, because you can be guaran-damn-teed that it will eventually go to shit.
Call it whatever you want: The Yin and the Yang, the Black and the White, The Curse of the Middle Class, the Ups and the Downs... it doesn't matter what you call it; the fact is that if you go up, you must come down.
To that, I say, why go up if you know you're going to have to crash back into emotional asphalt? Why not just hang out in a general state of curmudgeonly, eccentric limbo? Limbo doesn't have to be boring, after all. But why not take only the risks for which you can find and understand each of the possible endings, to at least a great degree? This way, the Curse of the Middle Class can't touch you.
You're prepared for pretty much whatever comes along because nothing that comes along is going to be mind-blowingly terrible, with a few possible exceptions. Obviously.
I've had a few occasions to become incredibly excited and carried away and I've pulled back from them. Maybe it is being overly-protective. I am sure that there will be a few Polly Positives emailing to tell me to "Get out there! Take the risk! Just do it!!"
I don't disagree, mind you; I don't disagree at all. I think that if you have all your bases covered, you should indeed press your luck. I also sort of feel like those admonishments come from people who clearly don't know me.
I take risks, lots of them. Ask my mother or my employer. I am the first to crawl out onto the limb, shimmying carefully and watching my balance. I've never not made it back in one piece.
I've been branded a leader, albeit, an unlikely one, by nature of my massive personality and by the fact that I am a Dissenter.
If they get me on board, they can get anyone on board... that's what they tell me, anyway.
I think it's just flattery but who cares?
Flattery will get you everywhere with me.
At any rate, there are three pretty sweet developments and each of them is in the direct line of fire for the Curse. The changes are related to things I've really deeply wanted and that I've worked hard for; things that I've struggled with for years in one case and that I've finally kind of gotten a little bit of insight and been able to offer a little bit of something different. Just enough to like... to change it, you know?
Anyway, these things, although I have wanted them, are a little unexpected, in terms of how they are unfolding for reals. In one case, my friend said, "I wouldn't think you'd bring him home but I know you're not going to kick him out of the bed for eating crackers."
No. No, I'm not.
In another case, I'm finding that the richness of an experience is so much more complex than the simple glory. Of course I want to make a team. But if that's the ONLY reason I'm doing this, then I shouldn't be doing it. It's not why I started Operation Skate and just because it's what I want now in mo way means it should overwhelm everything else there is for me to gain. much more expected of me than I would originally have thought.
As for the other one..... well.... what are ya gonna do?
You can't expect nothing but you can't expect something, either. In a perfect world, things would be perfect. But this isn't a perfect world and if it is,, I would probably have blown out my brains about 10 years ago, when I was a stoner-cool Melancholy Girl with a very non-dirty-college-kid goal to be infamous one day in my little circle. INFAMOUS, I tell you.
Whatever. I'm still working on that.
.
DAMMIT: I HAD THE MOST AWESOME THING GOING HERE AND A BIG CIRCLE OF LOGIC AND WIT AND I LOST IT.
It was gone with the Internet wind.
I just lost the BEST FUCKING PART.
Is Mercury retrograde?
This is bull-crap.
See?
Curse.
arizonasarah at 10:34 a.m.