2007-01-18
Next Wait Come Back Whatever
Yeah, it's totally not going to work out between me and Iowa.
Bummer. Well, theoretically bummer but actuality?
Meeting dudes and having crushes and finding that things aren't going to work out is par for my course so it's really all good.
I liked him but I was never going to swoon for him. He wasn't ever going to be a guy who can lead and the truth is that I bull-dog my way through work and through a full-contact sport and I would like to have one area where the complete success doesn't depend on my taking action.
"Do you want to do something?"
"Sure."
"I mean I don't know what... maybe... do you want to go to dinner?"
"Yeah."
"Ummmm..... do you like, ummm... I don't really know where so... where do you want to go?"
I don't so much want to go anywhere with you now.
Ask me out.
Show what you like, tell me about yourself by inviting me to a place you really love.
"Ummm... Chili's?
If that's okay?"
You love Chili's.
Don't ask me if it's okay.
take me there and be excited and tell me what you love about it and chances are REALLY good that I'll have fun and won't even think twice about the fact that I'm eating at Southwestern Salad Chili's when I live IN THE SOUTHWEST and don't really need a chain restaurant to bring the bold, exciting flavors of the region to my tastebuds.
I dunno.
I can't shake that one guy out of my system and it's pretty clear that maybe I never will.
There's one dude I met a long time ago who kind of became this god-like figure for me.
It's not such a bad thing.
From him, I get these feelings of security that are like, better than any perfect date even one that has me eating southwestern cuisine at a delicious and innovative locally-owned place and then going to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest and holding hand and leaning in and stuff.
Feeling like I would be loved intensely and infinitely even if my heart did swell up and then burst and the resulting giant, dripping beads landed all over a delicious pizza he was just about to eat, that's better to me than wondering if I will share a lifetime of washing dishes and raising children with the really nice guy I've been seeing for a month.
It's just better even if it's not likely to end in the small-town fairy tale that I still think I want for my life.
There's no delusion here and this is key so hear it now - I'm not coming back to it for awhile - I know my feelings will change someday.
Hence, it's not a delusion.
But I want to be allowed to be in it right now because I know that someday sooner rather than later, I won't be.
By allowing him to have this particular space in my life, as unorthodox as the occupation is, I get a lot back that I need.
I don't get future plans or hot monkey sex but I get what I need for now, and what I need is more than I need those hallmarks of real coupledom.
What is it that I get?
I'm known.
I'm completely familiar and charted over YEARS and that feels good to me.
There's a depth and breadth that's just not available and that might not be available with a different love.
At least, the connectivity might not lie in the deepest canyon if infinity like this one does.
It's just there, it's always been there, and it's never going away.
And it doesn't matter what form it's in, at least it doesn't matter right now.
But it's more than being known that feels good to me. It's being known over a great span of time.
Ring ring.
"Hey. What should I do? Go somewhere that I totally already fit in and would be comfortable or go somewhere that will be harder but where I'd emerge as a super-star?"
"What colors are we talking about?"
"..."
"You always looked good in blue."
New boyfriends don't know that.
Or even if they do, they don't KNOW it; they don't know it's been true for ten years.
It's this intrinsic knowledge of the mundane that thrills me, not the excitement of kissing.
More than waiting and wondering if a new Sparky will call me, I love Original Boyfriend calling me and I love knowing the flow of conversation with him - where it will go if I say "boobs" or if I pretend that I don't know who Bootsy Collins is so that I can listen to him tell me all about something he loves or recently rediscovered.
And it's not that I don't want that with someone who's more available in terms of, you know, many things including but not limited to geography and substance abuse.
Because I do.
I know where the magic ends.
It breaks my fucking heart when I think about it so I'm not ever going to write about it.
Not until I'm old and he's dead, anyway.
arizonasarah at 9:33 a.m.