2007-04-27
Float On
You know that Modest Mouse song, "Float On?"
The one that everyone listened to relentlessly a little while back?
It is pounding through my head on repeat and it's totally applicable in this, like, ninth grade kind of maniacal laughter way.
Dios mio, I said 'Fuck introspection' and I meant it but I swear to god, all I hear is this song POUNDING through me like I'm possessed or something.
And you know why?
Because I am.
I am possessed and I have tried all these cures, you know? Like, all these things that I thought would totally work to exorcise this accidental demon, this thing that should have been beautiful and wonderful but that, by force of personality or power of place and time became emotionally dangerous and incredibly constrictive.... I've tired to get rid of it in every conceivable way you can imagine.
I've gone crazy and back for 2,000 miles and I've not forced out the poison.
Because I don't believe it actually is poison. I can't have it be this terrible thing because of what that says about me, to me..
So I persisted and I pretended and I prayed, God how I prayed.
For the answer.
I prayed for the answer.
And in some weird, Zen bullshit trick, I found that the answer is that there IS NO ANSWER.
It just is.
I don't have to change it or try to make it look pretty or try to make it taste like it would kill me.
No, none of that.
All I have to do is be a grown-up and think about tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
All I have to do is float on and let things be what they really are.
I do not have to think about this shit all the time.
I have fun, spontaneous plans tonight. Sadly, Entertainment Fund is telling me that I have like $14 for this entire weekend so when I bust out after one beer, I really hope nobody takes it personal.
arizonasarah at 9:24 a.m.