2007-08-06
Destiny of Crap
I feel very removed from everything, like I am looking down from a weird place and seeing everything but not really experiencing it in real-time.
Everything is a heart-ache right now, everything.
I have this oppressive problem that involves a car and getting said car replaced.
The problem has aged me.
And I can't believe it's happening to me.
If I could think of one thing that went off without a hitch for me, I would be all for it.
I'm racking my brain to think of one thing in life that I decided I wanted to do, made plans to do, and slide behind the wheel (pun intended) effortlessly or at a low financial cost to myself.
I would even take a little thing, like getting my DSL set up but even that was a couple of days of tech agony.
My job didn't come easily, derby didn't come easily, training my dog didn't come easily, finishing school didn't come easily, relationships have (god knows) not come easily.... I can't even buy a new car and have that work out.
I recently got a lecture from a real estate agent about buying a house and how it's blah blah and blah of throwing money away renting.
Bitch, please.
If I bought a house, it would be guaranteed to be a complete disaster.
I could check 14 times and have my mother check for me and because it's a venture of my own, it would be nothing short of a craptastic piece of shit that I would be forced to compromise on and that would cause me to lose money.
At this point, it is a foregone conclusion that I am the opposite of King Midas.
I have the Wides touch and it seems to start with me since the rest of my family was apparently not born under the same mushroom cloud of disaster that I was born under.
I have to keep things simple.
If I don't, I end up in rough waters clinging to my already tender sanity like it's actually going to hold up through one more flood of life's sewage.
I don't gamble as that would be a terrifically fast way of losing my money and being stuck on Grocery Outlet rations again.
I don't buy the car I really want (Mazda Miata) because I know I would fuck it up.
I can't even buy a Saturn without having it implode and have to open a case with an Area Manager so that the faulty vehicle can be returned or replaced.
There's no way in hell that it makes a lick of sense for me to think about buying property.
I'm unlucky but I'm not an idiot.
Basically, what I'm saying is that there really isn't a problem that I can look back on and go, "Wow! I really got lucky on that!"
There isn't an accomplishment I have that didn't take me extra time (work 4 years, school a whole extra degree, derby an extra skills test) to get to where I should have been all along.
Or to get to where my peers got a lot faster than I did.
Part of me wants to just accept that I have the Tao of The Fool.
It's innate and it's pretty out of my control as attempts I make to not be so troubled only seem to cause more chaos.
The bigger part of me knows that I don't have the safety nets to not sleep with my eyes open, to let things just go along and live with a c'est la vie approach.
This combination of personality makes me very, very tired.
I want things to go my way for a change.
I want a chariot to magically appear and be great for the next 10 years.
I want Prince Charming to come along and to get it, to really get it with me.
I want a house and a good attitude and to not be so fucking freaked out all the time.
I want for once that something be easy for me, that justice be granted handily.
Sadly, experience tells me that this is still not my destiny despite the exhausting number of tried I have made to MAKE it my destiny.
arizonasarah at 1:01 p.m.