2008-03-05
Tomorrow is Another Day
I've been getting thrown under the bus a lot at work.
Big Buses.
I've moved from courteous reservation in response to someone yelling at me to having to excuse myself from my desk and go walk off the tears.
I just wanna help, you know?
I'm trying to help.
I'm trying to make things make sense.
And some days, I can't do it. The person doesn't want to hear it or doesn't want to give me the info I need to help.
So I did my best working from assumptions and possibilities and then I'm wrong.
It hurts, to be honest.
It wears me out and wears me down.
I even came in really happy this morning but I've made great headway toward misery.
Which is not where I want to be right now, considering that my birthday is in two days.
I have no plans and I cannot explain that.
I guess birthdays aren't that big of a deal when you get older. I haven't even taken the slightest initiative to plan anything and now that it's only two days away, I feel like a jerk being like, "Hey Crush? Wanna go get a beer? It's my birthday."
or, "Hey Friend? Wanna go to dinner? It's my birthday."
Like it's some card I'm trying to play to get people to hang out with me. On the other hand, if I just sit around with my doglet like a normal Friday night, I am going to be really bummed.
I've been really focused on my sport and on getting better, which is great but it involves a lot of sleeping, a lot of cooking (dishes), and not much drinking.
So I had a big game last week that I was all gearing up for and I have one a week from Saturday that I'm all gearing up for now and I just lost track about making birthday plans.
I'm going to have to figure something out though because hanging out with my dog this year is not going to be okay with me.
My friend did offer that we could have brunch at her house on a Sunday and that would be way fun - a Ladies Brunch. I want everyone to wear Laura Ashley and bring me scented candles, of course.
We could make coffee and everyone could talk about their husbands while I half-listen and think about eye-liner and candy which is where my mind always goes when it's left to default somewhere.
But Friday.... what to do.
Maybe my friend will go see Persepolis with me and I can not mention it's my birthday so it's not weird or anything.
The interesting thing is that I feel like this is My Year. 34. The Year of Sarah. All Signs Point to Yes.
I've had a feeling about 34 for a very long time, that it would be the year things would come together for me professionally, romantically, geographically, and physically. In other words, that this will be the year that I quit being so fat all the time, that I quit being so broke, and that I quit being so continuously single.
I should throw in that I'm not particularly unhappy about being single. It's not like I don't date or don't attract people. It's just that so far, I haven't attracted anyone I want to spend any length of time with.... former addicts who are living unemployed with their moms while spending a lot of time on the Internet and getting upset with me for expecting a little more out of life just aren't the men with whom I feel like are best-suited to my current displays of ambition.
I am many things but apathetic isn't one of them.
At any rate, I'm bummed that I'm bummed today. I went into it with a good night's sleep and a rare lightness of being.
Somehow that's dissipated.
Luckily, tomorrow is another day.
arizonasarah at 1:34 p.m.