Freezer Burn

That playfulness is missing. This is the problem, and it always has been. There's a mantrum on each horizon, a wisp rather than a cord. The thing is, we both know I'm physically stronger and I truly believe that this is threatening in a way that's causing some kind of weird clinginess.

It was going so well... until.... I dunno... until what.

Until I noticed how much I get noticed?
Until he strained over my shoulder to see my texting one too many times?
Until he got mad at me that I wasn't able to switch gears quickly?
Until I thought about how there are no inside jokes with us, there is no lightness with him, that it's all intensity and panic?

I want to just be me, and that guy tells me that I'm failing him by just being me. Well, not exactly. He doesn't get how intrinsic being an athlete and being a loner are to me.

And he hates baseball, which is hard to even type. But what? So if I want to go to a baseball game, is he going to bitch the whole time or worse, tell me to go and then have a mantrum that he couldn't go because he doesn't like baseball and so I should make special extra plans for him? What the shit is that?

And you know, it's the three month mark. This is when it flies or flails.

For now, I'm really super, totally, unimpressed and over it. I'm a princess, I know. I'm weird. I'm elusive. I'm busy and it can come off as self-involved. But I baked brownies for him, and a coffee cake, and gave my one non-derby weekend entirely to him, and gave up early-to-bed on Mondays for him, and I DID participate, I did. I participated as best I could with the time I had at the time.

Now that I have more time and he's having a mantrum of epic porportion, I sort of just want to pretend like it never happened, or just like take all the blame and gtfo post-haste.

I'll hear him out but I'm pretty focused on finding myself a big slab of USDA, Grade A American beef to replace this wispy creature that keeps swinging with arms smaller in circumference than my ankles.

He doesn't read.
He does math.

I think it's the lack of reading that really bothers me, like REALLY bothers me.

And he doesn't know about rock music, which is hugely foreign to me. How do you live in a world without Bruce, or Arcade Fire, or fun hip things like Vampire Weekend from two years ago? And how do I even try to start explaining these things to you when you aren't too much interested in things I bring to the table, because you're already so upset with me for hogging time for other projects I have going?

There may be no win here.

I don't want to be in charge of the ship and I'm not sure he's licensed. He actually asked me what I see in the future regarding vacations and how that would work, since I don't like skiing.

How do you even answer that?

I like to go out of town?
I'm always happy with a book?
You go skiing and I'll stay home and get some alone time, or go to see my family, or go to the beach, or go on a derby trip, or a MILLION OTHER THINGS I ENJOY BESIDES SKIING.

I'm taking another day to let this defrost. Then, we'll see if there's too much freezer burn or if it can be roasted and maybe there are still some good flavors in there.

arizonasarah at 3:49 p.m.

previous | next