2005-06-27
Intangible of Fear
I think about a million things ran through my head this weekend and I don't know that there is any way to really write about them.
I was thinking about intangilble things, not as in "a group of stuff that's intangible" but as in "Intangibles".
Big ones, like spirituality and fate and luck, all of which I lack.
Or not.
Sometimes I think that it's weak and worthless to try to make an excuse for feeling one way or another based on an intangible idea. If you have a rock thrown at your head, or if someone steals your stuff you have a reason to be feeling intense emotions. You can point and say, "Look! This is why I feel the way I feel."
I am afraid today and there isn't a thing that I can point to and accuse as being the source of my situation. I'm just afraid today. I guess I'm afraid of myself? I don't know.
I am afraid that I will have to face a punishment that I don't deserve. I'm afraid that I'll cry in front of people who don't know that I cry easily and often. I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong decision; I've only been making decisions for like 3 weeks now... Hello? I could totally be wrong at any given time.
The fear I have today isn't really anything that I can put my hands in and feel it slide between my fingers yet it's something that I feel, very very clearly. I feel my gut like I'm carry a stone and I feel my shoulders like I did squats improperly. Those are physical manifestations of the fears that I have today. I fear that I will never, ever be loved and cherished and partnered with someone whom I respect. I fear death today. I rarely fear death. I think I would welcome it, for its absolute state. Nothing for me is an absolute and I am built in such a way that I wish I had something absolute and I don't. But today, I want nothing to do with my death. In fact, I'm afraid of it today because today might not be a very good day - I can't die today because I need to see that I will be loved the way I crave to be. I need to see that Rosie won't be a big dog and that Grace won't scratch up her beautiful face.
I'm very afraid of dying today because I'm afraid that I'd leave people behind more disappointed with the way I lived my life than in the fact that I am no longer living. That's a fear - irrational but there - obviously intangible.
I need to get down on my knees and start asking for another of the Intangibles to help me. I want/need/crave to feel some kind of comfort. I'm not sure how I'll find it; most likely it will be from within but that's going to make for a long day because I am far from feeling like I can move my arms and shoulders enough to reach around and give myself a hug which in reality is not so comforting so much as it is contorting.
I mean, it's just stupid, really.
I guess.....
I guess it's another day for me to prove that I can do this being all by myself thing. You know, it's not even that I feel like I'm all by myself.
This is one more day that I have to walk through a fire and god knows I hope it's the last for awhile because this particular fire is the hottest one that I've been in and its flames have licked my entire life - my sanity, my financials, my physical, my social, my job; none of those have been untouched by something so simple as trying to do the responsible thing and getting jacked by the law for it without any room for trying to explain what happened.
Police can lie and that's that.
A police officer lied and here I am and I am terrified and I do not know what to do about it and there is nobody to hug me and tel me that it's going to be okay, "You'll get through it." There is nobody to hold my hand or move my hair out of my tears or take the dog for a walk while I curl myself into a very small space with my G-Love and Maggie Sauce.
Maybe after this is done, I'll go home and hide in the closet with my cats and just listen to them purr and feel their tails wrap around my tear and make up-streaked wrist when I reach down to scratch them behind the ears.
arizonasarah at 11:19 a.m.