2007-10-23
No Sleep Many Tears
This is how stressed out I am:
I finally fall asleep last night. And by sleep, I mean, my eyes were closed and when I shuttered awake AGAIN, I realized I had maybe been asleep for a minute.
So I finally, really do fall asleep and I have this nightmare:
I'm skating around downtown and I have a game, everyone has a game.
Only the game is at Hotel Congress and there aren't enough team rooms for us so each team crowds into a bathroom stall, all in the same restroom area.
For some reason, I've forgotten my uniform so I have to leave my team in the stall and go home to get my uniform.
It begins raining on the way back and I get to my team but then one of them asks me to go get something in the parking lot.
So I go outside and there's this huge puddle and I decide to trudge to the other side of the puddle but as I get further into it, I realize it's an eddy and it's really dirty and it's totally going to ruin my uniform.
No seriously, that was the main thing I was thinking about.
I have to start swimming at one point and I'm swimming and I'm swimming and I'm swimming but I'm basically stuck in a bottomless pit of raging rough waters. Strangely only the size of a very big parking lot puddle.
I see some cops up on a ramp, looking down at me and I'm like, "I need help! I am sort of drowning."
It was a half-assed call for help, admittedly. I was treading water really strongly and waving my arms like I needed help but they were kind of throwing their arms up and like, "What? Is that girl.... huh?"
"Are you okay?"
And I'm like, "NO! My uniform! My UNIFORM!!!"
Nobody helped me because I woke myself up, sweating with fear that if I called for help too loudly, I would suck in an enormous amount of puddle water.
What's this about, do you suppose?
A lot of things.
Partly about a guy and mostly about me - I've got neurotic shaking happening about everything. Do I want to try-out for the travel team seriously? Are all these changes good? Is work cool? Where am I going to live next year? (Louisville is the Number 1 Draft Pick) What am I going to find in Springfield this weekend? Am I doing my best?
And so on.
I met this guy.
One friend says, "Walk on , Sister."
Another says, "Give the little guy a chance - at least sleep with him because you never know."
A third says it's romantic and he's caught in the moment and it's all joy and wooooooonderfuuuuul!
Here's the dilly:
He's a super-nice guy.
And he's all up in my face.
Obviously, I'm not there yet.
He's the kind of guy I would probably really like after a couple of weeks of innocuous, no-intentions hanging out.
Sadly, I know his intentions and I'm feeling like I'm watching a train wreck.
From the conductor's seat.
I feel like there's a lot to be said for not grabbing ass on the first date and for not calling 3 times the next day and for just generally not expecting that something is going to happen.
It sucks out all the fun of courtship.
There's something to be said for the thrill of the chase, not so much in terms of playing hard to get or making people wait for things but there is something to be said for having a little crush on someone and investigating quietly and flirtatiously to find out if that person likes you back.
When someone expects that I will want to be with him, I usually find that I want to be as FAR AWAY from him as possible unless homeboy is a true alpha dog and I've only met one or two of those in my entire life.
I said I move slowly.
He called four times in one day.
I said I'm stressed about some stuff.
He said I need a massage.
I said I want to move.
He said "we."
I want to like him.
I WANT to see if he might become my boyfriend because he's a cool guy. He knows how to do stuff and he cooks and likes dogs. He's together and happy, which� I know. It seems like sort of an oddball combination but I can try to dig it.
I want to not be texted before noon when I have yet to touch anything on his person that might indicate I long for interruption to my daily dogly and derby lifestyle.
Call me in the evening.
Say hello, say goodnight, see if I want to go to the park next week so you can see if you like me or the idea of me.
Because I can't handle zero to 60.
Not unless it's with some raging lunatic alcoholic Hell's Angel drug dealer because going full throttle into those affairs is easy since you know that if you keep your pedal to the metal, you'll zoom through it and have some incredible sex during the ride.
And speaking of rides, mine is all kinds of fucked.
Yesterday there was a wind storm and while I was driving to work, something big and square and wooden flew up and hit my windshield. It scuffed the entire driver's side and put a hole in the passenger side window.
I know what my best friend would say: "You're totally not into him." In a way, she's right. I'm attracted to him face and to his general presence. Usually when she says that, she's dead on and I see things for what they are - non-existant. On this one, that's not entirely the case. I think on this one, if I could feel a little less possession then I would get a chance to observe him and see if I am right about kind of liking him.
At the moment though, I feel rather suffocated by suddenly having someone who is a realtive stranger and who wants to spend a whole bunch of time with me right now, immediately. It's just not how I roll. I like innuendo and possibility and a build-up to a relationship. I need some inside jokes before I can feel close enough to someone to want to call him and while away hours in is company.
I don't feel that yet but he's a person about whom I could feel it if he could back the hell off and let me see who he is instead of who he wants me to see.
And Jesus Mitchell Christ!
Dude is texting me
RIGHT
NOW.
It's not even noon.
There is no reason for this.
I have not touched anything in any way that might make a person think pre-noon texting is warranted.
Gah.
arizonasarah at 10:42 a.m.