2008-04-24
Social Distortion
I wish it was easier for me to be the things that people say I am - I wish I could lie on my couch and be the kind of employee who does things quickly and correctly, that I could watch TV and be the kind of blocker who takes out girls bigger than me all the time, and that I could be the kind of girl who falls in love without thinking about it or worrying about it. All of these things take a phenomenal amount of work from me and I'm not always up for it.
Right now, I'd sort of like to call in, skip practice, and hide out with my dog.
And I don't know why, exactly, except that summer is coming on and I need time to prepare for the assault of the sun and the heat and the dust. I would love to put on a jean skirt and a tee shirt and lie sweating in silence for many hours, acclimating in the heat and day-dreaming semi-consiously about the budding relationship that I think I'm starting to get into. That I'm finding myself wanting to go into without looking back.
When I think about him, I don't really care how things used to be for me with men, I don't how much stuff I need to do instead of seeing him or thinking about his possibilities, and how it's uncool to drop everything for a dude because that's how you get really hurt and end up with no friends.
I don't even care about any of it but how much I like him as a person.
He's not even my boyfriend.
I don't even know if he will be my boyfriend - I can't even tell so far. But I still don't care. I don't even care if he ends up being my boyfriend! I just like him. I'm completely drawn to him and have the patience of a saint with regard to him. He could not make plans with me for a month and I wouldn't even think twice about the prior four weeks, instead being delighted that we have plans at all. (Which has not happened, by the way. We have plans quite a bit, actually.) I have no feelings of wanting to run girly manipulations on him or to entice him with female wiles in any way.
I just want to be around him whenever I can be.
This is the slowest burning fire I've ever helped build and yet there's nothing I want to do more than stand around it, waiting for it to need the sticks I went and gathered excitedly and now hold, letting them scratch at my forearms and poke me in the guts until the fire is ready for more.
I've had some weird personal relationship developments, too.
Things have happened which a couple of years ago would have made me sob my eyes out, terrified that nothing would ever be the same again.
Which is true, nothing will ever be the same again. And that's okay. There's not much I can do about it besides accept the way things are and move forward. Anything else, any desperate pleas or tearful apologies would really make things worse because.... this happened and there is no taking it back.
One of the things that happened was 100% my fault. No question about it. I had some things to say and the way they went off was absolutely unintentional and absolutely no way for someone to hear the things I wanted to tell her.
I've thought about this a lot.
How I felt was valid, what I had to say, I needed to have said. I'd tried to say it in gentler ways but there was no reception.
When it all came down though.... it was harsh and for the harshness, I am deeply sorry.
I had some legit concerns.
I probably lost a friendship over it.
But you know.... sometimes, people are really far apart even though they think they are close. I appreciated this person so much but it wasn't an easy appreciation. We are very, very different people. There were things that would go on and have adverse effect on me and I did want to talk about those things but it was never the right time to do so; it was never not about crisis or about magnificently difficult under-takings. There was never a time to stop and talk about reality.
So, that sucked because I am not afraid to tell people what I want to tell them.
In fact, I have a bad reputation on this front.
"You tell it like it is."
"Well, I'm not going to lie because people know when I am lying."
"You're blunt."
"I don't say things that I don't think people aren't ready to hear."
Which is true.
And she wasn't ready to hear what I needed to say; I wasn't ready to say it to her and in the most unfortunate and unintentional manner, the things I wanted to say were said. I know how deeply I hurt her and I feel absolutely flat about it. There is no excuse, none.
It was an accident and while I would have said what I needed to say, I would never, ever have said it like that.
I feel..... I feel...... like I am crushed by my own boulder of heavy emotion and that there's nothing I can do for either of us. I was pushing it up to the edge of the cliff in preparation and I lost control of it. I felt so terrible that I let myself fall with it, and it happened to be timed perfectly to where she was on the path below.
For that I am so stupidly sorry that I can't justify patronizing excuses or tearful apologies.
Just know that I am so genuinely sorry and that I love her, always.
The other one leaves me... confused.
This time, the tables were turned and I was being questioned in an ill-timed setting and manner.
Ill-times because I was massively intoxicated at the time. Even though it was me on the receiving end, this was really important to my friend.
And I was so drunk that my words were echoing in my head and doing psychedelic dances and I am pretty sure another drunken friend bit me on the shoulder hard enough to bruise me while we were in the midst of this serious conversation. It just wasn't a good time at all.
I woke up the next day with an apology and the only reason I feel like the asshole is because, while I know the generalities of the situation, I am a little fuzzy on the details. It was post-game and I only had two vodka drinks but when I'm that depleted, apparently hard alcohol should be off-limits to me. I had a hard time following and I just kept saying that, "I do understand you. I disagree though."
Which is true - it doesn't take details for you to know the high-level assignment and disagree with it while never delving into the details of either side.
And again, her timing sucked but I'm not into making excuses for myself.
I fucked up and should have told her that we can't have the conversation when she wanted to have it.
This was important to her.
And I was loaded.
Which is the story behind 85% of the reasons why I have left 100% my shitty relationships only it was me trying to talk about something important and the proverbial him not fully engaged because he was so fucked up.
I would get so sick of not being able to have a conversation because they'd be so wasted they wouldn't be able to follow or remember clearly the next day.
And I did exactly that so I have lost the sacred riright of righteousness and that, my friends, makes me feel like an asshole.
Granted, it's a really rare event for me to be that messed up.
But still.
It hasn't been socially the most stellar couple of weeks for me.
Also included in my asshole behavior:
1. A temper tantrum Monday morning.
2. Joking around with a teammate and causing her to fall on an injury she is sensitive about. And laughing about it. Although I didn't think she was serious at the time.
3. Being proud of bruising the shit out of someone during a game.
4. Over-spending.
5. Being obsessed with setting up another friend with someone.
6. Letting my SimCity get down to $29 while enduring a raging Godzilla attack. It's been thriving since 1999 so this is very troublesome.
7. Picking up the phone when I know I should not with regard to certain "proverbial hims".
8. Wanting to take up all my best friend's time with questions about how to be normal in the beginning stages of a relationship and alternately, with wanting her to validate for me that I am not actually an asshole but that maybe I've had a bad run over the last couple of weeks.
I think I need to throw myself into working out for a couple of days and shake off some of the bad juju I've got going on.
And spend a couple of hours daydreaming in a half-sleeping lull about a guy who makes me want to not be an asshole, who makes me want to see that happiness for the entire world is an easy thing to believe in and to want.
arizonasarah at 12:20 p.m.