Someone just brought 200+ personalized form letters to my desk and has asked that they be stuffed in pre-labeled envelopes before the end of the day.
With a cover letter.
Man, this is the kind of crap that I did when I was a student worker at Sangamon Auditorium.
Only at the auditorium?
I actually wrote the damn letters. OH! And my Capstone.
For my Masters degree?
Yes, I do and I love school! I think about going back all the time... what's that?
No, it wasn't in envelope stuffing but if I go back, that's one of the programs that really interests me.

Dude, I seriously question why I'm paying on my student loan every month when all it got me was some envelopes to stuff.

I am full of rage. Could I at least have written the letter, instead of having this stack put on my desk, for me to fold and put in envelopes that I didn't even do the labels for?
I am a stuffer?
This is crazy?
I have got to deal with my job before I explode. I don't think I can stuff envelopes that I didn't label, with letters that I didn't write, without tear-shed.
Two years ago I built a contract between a TPA and a hospital and now I'm stuffing envelopes?
What the hell has happened here?
Literally, here.
I've been at the same job for three years and it used to be building contracts but now it's now it's folding letters?
And this little project is going to require that I have to go talk to the mail guy who is far too happy to be significant in my dungeon-smelling world. But I have to find out if there's a folding machine. (Update! Guess What? There's not! Guess who is taking this pile 'o' shit home with her and won't care about puppy prints on some of the materials? Oh... you are very clever. Yes, it is I) There was a folding machine at the auditorium, when I was a STUDENT WORKER doing the SAME THING only now I have the MASTERS DEGREE that I was working on when I was doing the SAME THING I AM DOING NOW.
The mail dude bugs me becaue I pride myself on being a surly wench and he's freaking Snow White over there. He just bugs me. I appreciate that he's in a good mood all the time and quite literally whistles while he works but please.
Don't yell your hello to me. If I seem a little quiet and disengaged, it's because I am both and acting that way on PURPOSE and I really don't want you getting all up in my space and saying "HHHHIIIII" like we've known each other for 15 years but hardly ever see one another anymore, due to divorce and relocation and we run into each other at Barrio Cafe. "HHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIII"
I don't know you.
If I am looking down and avoiding eye contact, there's a reason. Leave me alone, per my body language.
I wonder what work would do if I barfed on the next person who does somethng that bugs me?
Actually, I can spontaneously cry and that would be the kind of absurdity that might get me sent away from the fucking letters that need to be stuffed into the fucking envelopes.
Spontaneously barfing would be the best but it's a much bigger challange because, while if you set me up on a dare I bet I could do it, barfing at will is tricker for me than crying on purpose.

I am wasting myself and I finally see it but I have not the slightest idea what to do about it.

I would donate a kidney to be able to not work and to have my job be doing the laundry and cutting some Rosemary to stuff in a chicken that will make my house smell like my childhood.
I'm serious. If you need a kidney and you are AB+, email me. I'm young and hearty and looking forward to a lifetime of gardening with my pets and maybe a kid. I don't need the extra organ. Stuffing envelopes with letters that I didn't write is an afront to my atrophying brain.
Especially when I broke my back around here for a long time and now I'm.... a temp.
I'm doing things that anyone can do and I can't let myself believe that my situation has anything to do with my skills and performance.

Although I've been told that I'm a problem in the past, I have done things here that nobody at my level has done, or has even been willing to try and I'm the one who is suffering the most for having tried to embrace the "It's better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission" line that we were orded to embrace two years ago.
And that's all it was... a line.
What can you trust, you know?
You can't trust your job most of the time.
You can't trust a lot of things to your family because they generally have their own agendas for you and failing to meet those expectations are... no wait... have screwed with my head for long enough.
You can't trust your man because the hookers in jail tell you that your man and men just like him are the ones who come to them for disease-ridden sex.

You can't trust yourself because all evidence shows that you generally barely make it and barely making it isn't the way you were raised, so you MUST be failing in some way. You were raised to be "better than this".

But how?
Where is the failure?
Where do you see something that needs repair because I don't see it. Am I blind or seriously the fuck alone?
And don't point out to me repairs that invlove frivoloty with cash or that I am fat or that I have a bad attitude - those aren't failings.
I've heard all that shit for all of my life and I mean, some people who may or may not be my mother and various other relatives have not been shy about pointing those facts out to me so trust me, I don't need to hear about them.
I already know. Those things are parts of who I am and there's no way, I mean there's no WAY that I am a blanket failure.
And if I am just a blanket failure?
Tell me so I can scrap this and start the hell over.

arizonasarah at 9:25 a.m.

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